CrimsonAcrimony

2010-06-01T05:39:00.000-07:00

when I start to think of being an ideal person to someone else, I know that we've been apart for far too long. I'm ashamed to have this kind of thought.

You still love me right? It's not just the burden of reciprocity ne? I hate being insecure.

Pfft.

Let us think positive!!!!

2010-04-14T20:48:00.000-07:00

A part of Sharon Old's poem, the imagery of which I liked very much...

Resting
On the crest of the mountains, one huge
cloud with scalloped edges of blazing
evening light, we did not turn back,
we stayed with it, even though we were
far beyond what we knew, we rose
into the grain of the cloud, even though we were
frightened, the air hollow, even though
nothing grew there, even though ti is a
place from which no one has ever come back

--Ecstasy by Sharon Olds
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uYe7Bvdv6Ow

2010-04-06T07:16:00.000-07:00

shaved ice for your breath
that blows eagerly on my skin
the wind slithers between my fingers
and for this moment we face a thousand pain
to loosen clenched hands
and lift downcast eyes
our soul resurfaces in the heat of the flesh
in the mercy of a consuming desire

2010-02-23T06:47:00.001-08:00

Can we draw on the wall that encloses us
Draw swaying leaves of green and gold
We want to run away
Across the capturing vastness of a field
Then fall on a bed of grass
to give way to more dreaming

What's behind this wall?
Can we draw a red thread
From each of our fingertips
One ending another beginning
Until we've caught eternity?

Though sorrow dwells in this enclosure
Emptiness sitting on space
I tug at our red thread
blood across the green field
to guide my way

2010-02-16T04:58:00.000-08:00

Paano lumilipas ang panahon para sa taong naghihintay? Mas masakit pa atang narito ako masayang nakikipag-usap sa'yo na tila napakatagal nang magkakilala ngunit hindi maiparating ang tunay na saloobin kaysa noong pinagmamasdan lang kita. Nagpapasalamat sa maikling panahong ibinigay ng tadhana, marahil hindi sapat ang kaunting halkhak at kaunting suporta para sa taong naghahangad ng mga "susunod" pang sandali.

2009-12-07T04:45:00.000-08:00

I saw the movement of her hips
and we weaved through bodies,
we danced to one song
and breathed the air stained with this rhythm

but like water that had seeped through my soul
i took her spirit in
her movement had caused ripples within me
and on this eve
the music gave us a new high
drowning out everything but our reverberating bodies

2009-11-27T05:51:00.000-08:00

Within the chaos of the forest
the moon fails to shine
we've gone too far
to remember and turn back

we try not to feel the halt of remembrance
dashing our bodies against each other

silence only gnaw at the memories
leaving tattered edges
and gaping holes
between us
and all that we've lost sight of

2009-11-14T23:48:00.000-08:00

Unrequited love would not be so bad if there was a way to express your feelings to the other person-- maybe not through a blatant confession, but in kind.

I don't really feel anything special yet, I just know I want to have more time with you, and to be given a chance to be close to you. Fluffy.

2009-10-20T02:06:00.000-07:00

Para sa'yo kung bakit muli akong magsusulat gamit ang mga salitang pilit kinalimutan. Sisimulan kong ialay sa'yo ang bawat lukso ng puso, bugso ng pag-iisip. Gaano kadalas dapat ipaalala ang pagmamahal upang hindi humupa? Sapagkat ang paglimot ay inidkasyon ng unti-unti nang naglalahong pag-ibig. Hindi ko nais magbago, ayokong kalimutan ka, hindi kita lilimutin, hanggang sa huli.

2009-10-15T03:13:00.000-07:00

Why do we keep trying even if we feel the weight of words has left us? When what come out from the people you love lack meaning-- why believe the lie?

"Ah the wind blows softly..." Amethyst Remembrance

loveless

2009-10-06T04:11:00.000-07:00

Again, this persistent feeling of loneliness
Of calling out without expecting answers
Again, the ache buried in mounds of silence
The wait, more trying

I'm hoping for love
As though what I've lost can be replenished
A love
That would force me to breathe out after breathing in

We hold each others hand
We embrace with bodies that seek
warmth
Yet
I can stand here unhinged
Still the persistent longing
Still the nagging want
Still a desire born from emptiness
All giving way to tears
Because the sky is vast
And even wider
Without a person to look up with

hinihintay lang kita parati palagi hanggang sa huli

2009-08-28T11:37:00.001-07:00

Let The Silence Take The Strain.

Generated by the Advertising Slogan Generator. Get more silence slogans.

papuntang katipunan

2009-08-28T11:24:00.001-07:00

Medyo nahihinuha ko na kung bakit ayaw mo talagang mag seat belt baka sa totoo lang gusto mo nang mamatay ng hindi nagpapatiwakal~ para hindi ka namin masisi. O projection ko lang ba ito?

old blog post

2009-08-28T10:39:00.000-07:00

Dear Friend,

After almost 2 years some things have changed, I'm not as optimistic...

Friday, September 28, 2007
It just takes a few steps to cross the border, a few intake of air, and a sigh after each realization. One more look and I move forward, shielding my eyes from the sun's brightness. White light, bright lights. The dead sees white lights. It is in squinting that I adjust my vision, my footing unsure, my senses like a flickering light bulb...I need to go out. My head is still spinning, and yet I know even without a hand to steady me, I can still move forward. So I continue to take baby steps and then burst into a run, run as fast as I can, leaving no room for added apprehensions.

I touch my head, I look at my reddened hand and feel the rush of blood on my cheeks; this is how it feels like to run, to run fast, trying to catch my breath and to wipe globules of sweat away from my eyes. Calm down. No one's running after you. Just a handful of memories to keep you in tune with reality. I'm gone.

Leaving does not equate to loss.

And I continue to inhale, exhale and just let the sun burn my skin until the clouds gather again to shade me.

-OWARI-

In another post...

When you start losing a sense of tomorrow to the mistakes you've committed today or to what you have failed to do -- tell yourself to just breathe and acknowledge life. The air does not run out no matter how hard you inhale. You do not lose the ability to take in air even after you breathe out longer than necessary. Even if you don't get all the answers, even if you fail to ask the right questions, even if you feel pseudo-human, remember the life around you. You just have to be grateful and bathe in the silence of the "unfound" answers, those that belong solely to you. Because sometimes, to have an infinite sense of security is being most vulnerable to loss.

NOW...
I wish I had the same zest for life as I did before.

pre-law mt hung ups

2009-08-28T09:17:00.000-07:00

This is the first time that I refuse to sleep. The result of the pom lt2 was depressing. I hate grades. I always try to measure up. I hate to admit that I want to achieve a certain mark, but I do not feel that anyone deserves to feel the heavy burden of disappointment for the sake of numbers. Etoh lang ba ang maaalok ng buhay sa atin?

Ang "ako" na nanaig sa walang hanggang pagkabatid na hindi hihinto ang kairalan ng isang "ako" sa bawat paghinuhang "oo nag-iisip ako".

2009-08-28T08:38:00.000-07:00

It's strange I still do not know what I want. I know quite well what other people expect from me, how well other people are doing relative to my floundering state, but I do not quite know how to cope with life. Is this the same struggle I have for 19 years? When will I ever adjust to living? It's never good to wait, for things to happen, is that true? Maybe I should let things happen to me more often than trying to control everything. Let's try losing control by choice, without feeling regret or guilt or shame. The audience cannot always move us on, when will we starting moving forward on our own without the imaginary lenses as Kundera puts it? When we start to remember the past and commit to memory all the things we've done, can we put the same value to our actions as we did in the past? Do I value indulging, being defiant, stubborn, indolent so much? I still rebel despite my age. Maybe people don't really get the luxury of growing up parallel to the year they spend on earth. Or maybe we just choose to be stupid. To be. Such intense state. Being. Where it all stems, branching out from being is the individual.

nostalgia

2009-08-13T06:43:00.000-07:00

I close my eyes slightly and open them as abruptly. I look at him, standing across me confidently. Is he saying all those words in an effort to please the crowd; are we his adamant audience? I focus on his hands instead of his words. I imagine the last time I've ever held anyone's hands. It's nostalgic, the memory of warmth and intimacy. I wonder why people have to pass through stages before they could ever let someone get close to them, is it possible to find an instant connection? I'm too lazy to explain and justify the desire to hold someone's hand. I don't think romance is a precondition, even a friend's hand can be as reassuring. Let's skip the formalities, let me introduce myself with a handshake because I'm too tired to speak. Let me lean on you for a while. Let's reconcile words with gestures. The air could get stuffy with too much introductions.

Sometimes I dream of us leaning back to back, looking up at the sky as if seeing it anew through the white gaps of leaves. Everything falls around us, the leaves drop gently from above. The wind comes with sunshine weaving through branches and open windows. I sit beside you and lay my head on your lap. I want to sleep. You smell of Cinnamon, and every intake of air brings a mingled image of fondness and recognition. It's the same when we see things we have an affinity to, we try hard to impress them in our memories so as to remember with the same passion as we first encountered them. And when I inhale and smell cinnamon I identify it with you and a smile that plays on my lips. The moment I stop inhaling your smell is when loneliness sink in and I realize I can't see you anymore. Every now and then I peak just to make sure you'll stay by me.

Afternoons with you cannot be forever. But the mind makes wonderful snapshots for us. When I start to miss you, I recollect cinnamon scented slumber-- and I dream about you for a few more minutes.

Snapshots

2008-10-23T00:36:00.000-07:00

I've never been drunk before but I've always imagined it as being in a state of an all too welcomed blur. I've partied once (hai. nerd speaking) and maybe this is an attempt to reconcile imaginary intoxication and the hype of dancing your soul out.

***

Her blood was thick with vodka
Her sweat was of margarita
Skin encrusted with salt.
Music filled every breath and stained all sighs with bass staccato
Her head swayed with her vision
Curious inversion of the world
Infused with bright lights
Too bright, too colorful
That it hurts her eyes
Steps that were of marble existence
Slowly gave way under her
Effaced by the thump, thump of footfalls
And tempo, rhythm, dynamics
All in an awkward motion.

She--the inexorable sprite of the night
Soft as a liquid in a glass--
The goddess in transit.

We dance almost as if we'll reach the sky,
As though we've found a road to salvation.

SM

2008-02-16T16:09:00.000-08:00

My sister bought a new camera yesterday so now I have a new-old camera of my own whahaha. It's a hand-me-down thing, being the youngest child I get the old techie stuff of my dad and sister ;p I have no qualms about that since I would like to believe that I'm a practical person, as long as it works then it's fine by me ^.~

Saturday was lurv:

Yesterday my Lit 14 groupmates and I went to SM Megamall to shoot our er commercial of YOUR BRAND guitar. It was fun and a little hilarious with all the drama and comedy. But before the actual shoot, Anne bought pants from Mango for only 199 (go sexy Anne *wink<---wahaha memories*). Rabat should be dubbed as best actor forever! And Anne the saleslady of the month! wohooo! Someone *ahem* bullied another groupmate of mine tsk tsk tsk sira ulo kasi yung mamang yon eh wahahaha pero ayos naman. Karllo became alias Direk Mayordomo xDD While I was the infamous bystander in our commercial kaluoy!

And of course the shame of riding a bike all over again would be the doing of Direk *labo* That was all for you LLes! <3 ><; but it was fun *kumakanta: magbabike ako hanggang Antipolo, pls pls lang turuan niyo akong magbike...gusto kong matutong mabike kahit wala akong bike<---manipulated version of Ehead's song*

After SM Megamall we went to MOA to get my sister's 7.something cybershot. Eyeball ba itu. But before that, I ate in MOA's foodcourt bopis,laing, rice and icedtea. For dessert we had/shared The Extreme coffee and tripple layer cheesecake from Coffee Beans and Tea Leaf ^^ Oishi!! The barista looked like Kuya Rick wahahaha. Er we also camwhored inside the coffee shop, oblivious to the puzzled look of the foreigners and customers. Hirit: si Tashie tinanong kung isang kanta lang ba ang Believe Me and Kiss Me wahahahahaha pag may kantang ganyan matatawa ako, theme song ng mga garapal na lalaki yan eh *ahem* arrow!

All the guys were gawking at nechan because of her er bosom >< Manyak talga ang mga lalaki! It reminds me of Ludwig Kakumei looking for his F cup princess O..o ftw oh well at least he has the looks and the intellect.

We had dinner at Han Pao in Shaw. It looked better after it was renovated, the place became cleaner and it offered good inexpensive food with quality service to match.

Sidenote ulit: Grabe sana mahuli na yung serial killer takot ako! Ang sama ni Direk may sinabi siya sa IM na sobrang insensitive haay naku talaga mga lalaki.

Pero natawa na lang talga ako sa hirit ko eh

D: @the bike salesman Sir pambabae ba itong upuan na to
Me: tama yan mamaya maunahan ka pa
D: eh? ay alam mo bang nakakadevirginize daw ang bike
Me: kaya nga baka maunahan ka pa ng bike

amp lol

fiction

2008-02-04T01:11:00.000-08:00

inspired by: "Skinny Bitch" sabi nang t-shirt niya hahaha...

Her stomach is full and it's bursting along its dark seams, the stitches have come undone. She strokes her belly, doleful eyes stare blankly across the room while emaciated fingers crawl back to her face. Her guts have fallen to the floor, a sloppy mess on the white marble floor where the blue and yellow has made green bile. She strokes her belly again, and it's thin, without air, without substance, and her body is like her hands, and hunger has become her food. Starving herself makes her smile, and makes all the stitches loose, and she has come undone on my white marble floor where her bile has stained the immaculate floor. And she cries looking at herself in the mirror and feeling the blood turn black because she's still bleeding-- her stomach spewing out blood and bile.
"Can't I be beautiful?" she asks me with so much sincerity that I tell her
"You are, you are..." but all she hears are the churning of a long gone stomach, and the slithering of intestines that has crept towards her, binding her, coiling around her fragile body, cracking her bones until life itself escapes her-- the beautiful emaciated girl-- lifeless on my white marble floor.

***
Originally a Pygmalion and Galatea thing but it evolved into something else...

I breathe into her, I hold on to the knife and breathe into her to give her life but she remains still. I stay close to her bosom, my hands around her, trying to hear the remnants of her life, and I still try to fit my lips on her pallid lips, to breathe life into her. No sunshine has met my love, no wind has caressed her as slowly and as gently as I have. My love, now at this bleak moments, she refuses to move and although I have prayed to the gods to grant me that one boon, all I have is the figure of my love against the sun, the silhouette of her life, of my life against the life of the sun. And I, her maker, trying to breathe life into her, she that has razor cut wrists-- when I've tried so hard to give life to her she decides to keep it for herself, my beautiful love.

***
END

currently watching: The Classic
so cute.

Parfum d'Europe

2008-02-03T01:46:00.000-08:00

They had, as closa sempai said "prom hung ups" *very bitter me*

Oh well as if wearing a dress while riding the LRT and MRT would have made my night better.

I loved the concert, I loved how I crashed closa sempai and ate eden't date, I loved how we lost communication with our parents but still ended up going home together-- singing inside the car <33

During Parfum d'Europe held last February 2, 2008 poetry and music combined got me drunk. How he (er can't identify the tenor and the bass baritone properly) sang "Mimi, you're sending me away? It's cold outside" <---something like that, was one of my favorite part wahahaha. Also, one music/poem compared his lover to his country, I forgot the title but it really made an impression on me; that sounded lame will make a better review next time ;p

He looked so good that night.

LSS I hate you then I love you by Celine Dion and Pavarotti

" girl: I like to run away from you but if I were to leave you I would die. I like to break the chains you put around me and yet I never try.
guy: No matter what you do you drive me crazy I'd rather be alone. But then I know my life would be so empty as soon as you were gone. Impossible to live with you but I could never live without you.
both: Cause whatever you do, I never want to be in love with anyone but you."

I remember how Roch's bell dilemma came about and how we teased her that it was possibly an LSS else ghosts from the underworld were haunting her muwahahah.

That was my LSS because we use to tell our parents that it was their love theme because they always fought and reconciled afterwards <3 They had their 24th wedding anniversary last Thursday. Papa was so sweet: we had cake, pancit (w/c had a history since it was what they served during their wedding reception), lechon manok, and liempo!

date and YM

2008-01-18T05:20:00.003-08:00

iloveyou for still being there for me even if you're in UP now ^^

B (1/18/2008 8:48:05 PM): that's what's been disturbing me too
B (1/18/2008 8:48:29 PM): ganyan din ang problema ko ngayon mukhang pinagchichismisan din ako sa admu punyeta yan
M (1/18/2008 8:48:31 PM): grabe noh... i dont think its good...
B (1/18/2008 8:48:42 PM): wah kadamay mo ako
m (1/18/2008 8:48:56 PM):
b (1/18/2008 8:48:59 PM): naiirita nga ako eh wala naman akong ginagawan masama nooo
m (1/18/2008 8:49:16 PM): di bale.. malay ba nila kung ano ang totoo..
b (1/18/2008 8:49:18 PM): hindi feeling ko yung sayo wala lang magawa yung mga tao, wala pa raw kasi silang boyfriend haha
b (1/18/2008 8:49:22 PM): oo nga tama yan
b (1/18/2008 8:49:36 PM): *hugs back*<---tamad mag smiley
b (1/18/2008 8:49:38 PM): xD

b(1/18/2008 9:11:25 PM): naramdaman mo na ba na parang hindi ka siniseryoso ng mga taong gusto mong seryosohin ka?
m(1/18/2008 9:16:39 PM): um... hinde
m(1/18/2008 9:16:42 PM): >_<
b (1/18/2008 9:17:10 PM): wah then let me tell you how it feels: it's like they're playing with you
b(1/18/2008 9:17:28 PM): and the worse part is, you don't if they're consciously doing it or not
b (1/18/2008 9:17:39 PM): haaay but it's not soo bad that I can't shrug it off
m (1/18/2008 9:18:17 PM): O_O...
b(1/18/2008 9:18:22 PM): or maybe i'm just imagining this "they're playing with you" feeling
b (1/18/2008 9:18:36 PM): *know
m (1/18/2008 9:18:40 PM): sino naman gumagawa nyan sayo hah!! awayin ko
b (1/18/2008 9:18:46 PM): nge
b (1/18/2008 9:18:47 PM): haha
b (1/18/2008 9:18:53 PM): no one in particular
b(1/18/2008 9:19:09 PM): thanks for the offer? nyahahaha
m(1/18/2008 9:19:15 PM):
b(1/18/2008 9:19:52 PM): naiirita kasi ako pag naaalala ko si *bleep* eh yung sinasabi ko sayo kanina yung friendly sa mga babae
b(1/18/2008 9:19:58 PM): naiirita ako dahil naiirita ako sa kanya
b(1/18/2008 9:20:06 PM): na dapat hindi ko naman maramdaman
b (1/18/2008 9:20:32 PM): plus naiirita rin ako kay *sifriend* kasi sabi niya she feels bad tapos bigla niyang binawi prang niloloko nila ako haaay
m(1/18/2008 9:20:36 PM): ohh...
m (1/18/2008 9:20:44 PM): >_<
m (1/18/2008 9:21:07 PM): ayaw ka lang nya hawahan ng bad feeling nya siguro
b (1/18/2008 9:21:49 PM): ahhh
b (1/18/2008 9:21:52 PM): hay siguro nga
b(1/18/2008 9:22:01 PM): oi sige thanks m
b (1/18/2008 9:22:06 PM): baka inaantok ka na ha
b (1/18/2008 9:22:09 PM): ok na ulit ako
b (1/18/2008 9:22:11 PM): hehe
m (1/18/2008 9:22:17 PM):
b (1/18/2008 9:22:22 PM): nakapag rant na rin nama nako sa blog ko eh ^^vv
m (1/18/2008 9:23:16 PM): owki. i'll try to check it later
b(1/18/2008 9:23:28 PM): ay sa ibang blog siya
b (1/18/2008 9:23:29 PM): hahaha
b(1/18/2008 9:23:47 PM): sa lj you need to have an account to see it
b (1/18/2008 9:23:51 PM): ^^;;
m (1/18/2008 9:25:42 PM): >_< eep
b (1/18/2008 9:25:53 PM): hehe it's ok
b(1/18/2008 9:26:14 PM): m!! wala lang buti na lang nandiyan ka hehe drama noh wahahaha
m (1/18/2008 9:28:04 PM): id want to be here for you as much as possible
b (1/18/2008 9:28:41 PM): yeah same here kaya kung feel mong sabihin ang mga problema mo ha! you know what to do muwehehe
m (1/18/2008 9:29:12 PM): dont wori . wala akong itatago
b (1/18/2008 9:29:19 PM): pero kahit ayaw mong sabihin tipong gusto mo lang may paglabasan ng galit puwede mo rin akong gawing stress ball/punching bag basta sagot mo lang hospitalization bill muwehehe
m(1/18/2008 9:29:53 PM): hahaha. ayoko bka gantihan mo ako
b (1/18/2008 9:30:39 PM): haha sayang akala ko sasabihn mo "ako rin puwede mong gawing punching bag"
b (1/18/2008 9:30:41 PM): tsk
b (1/18/2008 9:30:47 PM): biro lang!
m(1/18/2008 9:31:17 PM): ay yun pwede

side note: ALAM MO KASI WEIRD KUNG BAKIT NAIISIP KO PA RIN SIYA *si inu*; NA PARANG GINAGAWA KO NANG PAMPALIPAS ORAS ANG INIS KO SA KANYA. NAKAIIRITA PA RIN TALAGA KAHIT NA ANONG GAWIN KONG SABI NA OK NA AKO.

M I'm happy that we were able to push through with our date today hehehe sa uulitin kaibigan!

experiment

2007-12-15T22:24:00.000-08:00

drafted

2007-12-15T05:13:00.000-08:00

SE,
you'd love Sputnik Sweetheart. read it as though you've been rid of all the biases and prejudices you have, and yet decipher it with the mind of a person who knows his own values. know it as though you are undoing the words, the ideas behind the lines, the feelings, the circumstance-- like placing warm hands on a cold lithe body-- prodding soft flesh.

i hope you enjoy this book as much as i did SE.

listen to me: we think and we dream, bec these are the only things that could be ours, even the borrowed ideas, are marked by our identities once they pass through our fingertips.

SE, the thing i most desire is to see you break, bent and confused, the weight of certain uncertainty pushing you to the ground. i want to see you flounder and breathe, grapple with life, even if i won't ever be the one to save you or change the pulsation of your heart-- I want to see you SE, in your most human form: raw and vulnerable.

be nice SE, spare me your vanity. just let me be this to you. the audience. the harlequin. acrimony at the brim.

To liag

2007-12-14T05:01:00.000-08:00

She cries so hard, shedding tears that fall on my palms. where do tears come from? She doesn't know how it falls so carelessly, how it tries to reconcile reality and ideals, assailed by memories of happiness gone by.

2007-12-14T04:54:00.000-08:00

The blue of the sky was so blinding that i was happy thinking about it.

burgis experiment

2007-10-18T20:41:00.000-07:00

dalwang tinig
two voices
isang diwa

hakbang
a step
sa madilim na iskinita
napapliguan ng madugong araw
sunshine not composed of red streaks
but of dark rays
dilim na nangangain at tumitinag
sa mga matang nagpapapukaw
sa paglamlam ng pag-asa
despair comes so clearly
na halos ang mismong paghinga
becomes harder
to
breathe
paghinga
breathe
paghinga

parallel universe II

2007-10-15T23:55:00.000-07:00

note: to tell you the truth these letters (yeah including the one dated oct 13) addressed to Edward was in compliance to the metafic project our lit tchr asked from us hehe i'm suppose to pretend that I'm *somefamousamericangothwriter* with a recessive trait of miharu the emo kid nyahahahaha

November 10, 1848

Edward,

It has been a while since our last correspondence and yet my sickness has not left me. I constantly seek my medication, the liquid substance that burns my tongue and warms my chest.

I could almost see you now with a scowl on your face. I should not drink, oh how you’ve told me countless of times! I apologize but I shall continue to indulge in the forbidden. I know you. I take confidence in your genuine love for me that, even if I am adamant amidst your petitions, you would not deprive me of your letters.

Alas do not accuse me of not trying hard enough! I have attempted to focus my thoughts on the insurmountable pleasure of everyday living that other people claim to experience, but still not I! Dreary, everything is august in its dreariness, similar to a blanket of darkness that threatens to engulf me in its vastness.

Every knock at my door has become a pounding, a loud mewing of a cat, or the pulsation of my own heart that has become too loud to be bearable.

Please forgive me my friend, my confidant. It is as though I have created the habit of rambling on to you about the blight of my life. I promise to give you a letter with a much more convivial content at my next posting.

Yours truly,
Ruby

PS A certain man, a critic or so he says, is doing such a grand job in sullying me that I could only laugh at how hard he has been trying to hasten my ruin.

parallel universe

2007-10-13T18:57:00.000-07:00

October 13, 1848

Edward,

I grow weary everyday. The desire to keep my life or to be lost in it, grapples with each other like a kept indulgence hiding in the confides of reason, of need, of wants turned wanton. The warmth spreading in between sighs, with every sip, I clench my teeth and waves of thoughts engulf me. It is at this moment that I write with veritable satisfaction, to write inebriated, uninhibited by the laws of a sober man.

Intoxicated I pick up the pen, my senses heightened, and the gravity of every situation suddenly seems real. What’s the use of being able to write for publications, the use of reading books if a writer fails in his craft? And I fail without alcohol my dear Edward!

Since when have alcohol become a need, you ask me so often. Well Edward, it is at times when I am at the mercy of my memories of him. Yes, I refuse to forget, my love, my beloved, my diseased husband. It is in living this way that I am able to face loss; pugilistic, ready to continue an existence without Allan. I hope you do not reproach me further. Please do not call this a vice; even if there is truth in the possibility of dying in a gutter one day, I’m not ready to give up my nightly rendezvous with my Amontillado.

I end this letter in the confidence that you will not condemn me like the rest. I might not be able to reply to your letters quickly, I am forced to publish another work yet again ― I might write about, well, my dear friend the Raven.

Yours truly,
Azarithiel

angst:fear:"the worst opponent of man"

2007-10-02T06:57:00.000-07:00

Hindi ko alam ewan ko. ewan ko. Sino bang nagimbento ng salitang ewan? Parang lahat ng pagkukulang na ginawa ko sa buhay ko nasa isang salita na-- ewan. Labing-anim na taon sa mundong ibabaw, karma kaya lahat ng nangyayari sa akin? May nangyayari nga ba sa akin? Nag-iisip ba ako o kathang isip lang lahat ng ito? Simulacra lang ba ang mundong ginagalawan ko? Oo alam ko na gusto kong mapalapit sa isang tao pero nakikipaglokohan lang ata ako sa tadahana. May tadhana ba? O tayo lang talaga-- wala nang iba, tayo lang at ang mga diyos natin? May Diyos ba ako? Ang hina ng pananampalataya ko. Ang baba ng EQ ko, average lang IQ pero masaya naman ako, pero lagi rin akong nakahahanap ng dahilan para malungkot.

You need to know how to lose in order to know how to win.

Godlessness brings me unease. When all the wrong things happen to me I turn to my God but how exactly could you define "wrong things".

There was a passage in Kinshu saying something like: when you look at yourself now and how you were ten years ago, you'll realize how much time passed and you're still the same person.

Akala ko pa naman ibang tao na ako. Akala ko lang pala yon. Parehong katangahan pa rin ang ginagwa ko sa buhay ko eh. Wala pa rin akong magawang matino. EWAN. Bakit ba naging ewan na lang ako? Siguro nga talaga mababa masyado EQ ko. *shrug* ako yung batang hindi lang yung marshmallow yung kinain, pati yung lamesa nginangtangat ganon ako kasiba sa paghahanap ng kabuluhan at sa pang-aabuso ng kalayaan at biyaya. Karma nga ito.

Minsan naiisip ko na may mga taong magaling lang talaga sa lahat ng ginagwa nila o baka wala lang talaga akong fighting spirit at lahat lang ng nangyayari sa akin ay chamba at suwerte. Ang lungkot naman non.

Paghusayan mo na lang kid!

2007-09-28T07:23:00.000-07:00

It just takes a few steps to cross the border, a few intakes of air, and a sigh after each realization. One more look and I move forward, shielding my eyes from the sun's brightness. White light, bright lights. The dead sees white lights. It is in squinting that I adjust my vision, my footing unsure, my senses like a flickering light bulb...I need to go out. My head is still spinning, and yet I know even without a hand to steady me, I can still move forward. So I continue to take baby steps and then burst into a run, run as fast as I can, leaving no room for added apprehensions.

I touch my head, I look at my reddened hand and feel the rush of blood on my cheeks; this is how it feels like to run, to run fast, trying to catch my breath and to wipe globules of sweat away from my eyes. Calm down. No one's running after you. Just a handful of memories to keep you in tune with reality. She's gone.

Leaving does not equate to loss.

And I continue to inhale, exhale and just let the sun burn my skin until the clouds gather again to shade me.

Inging yeah i call it inging

2007-08-31T17:30:00.000-07:00

One day the Sun wept and cried hot tears
The other day the wind blew
And chilled lady Morning.

The wind gave birth to a zephyr
Who whispered
Slightly
That I might wake
But I remained
Dreaming

Gently above green leaves
Sunshine was playing
And under the bright green trees
There I was
Sleeping

nyaha talaga lang ha?

2007-08-31T17:26:00.000-07:00

You Are The High Priestess

You represent mystery - secrets that are yet to be revealed.
You find yourself sitting between two worlds: one dark, one light.
You tend to hold these two worlds in balance, reconciling the two.
Open and welcoming, you invite others to learn your secrets.

Your fortune:

Something hidden, or latent, in your life is about to come forward.
You need to pay more attention to your dreams, thoughts, intuition, and imagination.
And if that involves tapping into your dark side, it will all balance out in the end.
You have a lot of potential dying to be unleashed, so let those gates open!

What Tarot Card Are You?

2007-08-25T04:35:00.000-07:00

What has been happening to me?

I'm still a frustrated wretch. I'm suppose to be focused on my studies and on tennis and here I am trying to forget all the stress away. I try not to think about them too much but it's weird how I contradict myself. I endeavor to change and at the same time I escape the same rules I have made to accomplish my goals. Washu. This inner struggle of mine is almost bordering on monotony. It's boring. Having a life centered on improving, being impatient about it, worrying, going through questions about your worth and how you're not doing anything significant in your burgis life -- is too damn adamant. Shweesh. Strange invented words in between sighs help convince me that there is still hope: I am still capable of being erm creative hahahaha!

Naku. I just remembered that I'm suppose to take up arnis again. I want to fight and win or to lose and win later!

I have this dilemma as always...but this time it's about a particular person I want to reach out to. Maybe I'm in denial that I like him and I'm trying to convince myself that I just want us to be friends. Nah. I know that I just want to be friends, and show him that girls are not flowers, that we can kill even without a sword -- thrust and conquer -- is definitely not limited to men. Yes, I want to talk to him and share my ideas and start to philosophize. I want a new mind to explore, someone I could challenge. I see him and I think that he is burdened, too much focus and determination coursing in his mind. Maybe it's just intuition but I feel that he's looking for the same thing as I am, that he's still open to change. I want to loosen him up. No not in that sense baka! I just want to establish one more relationship with another being, a stable one. I don't like meeting people and having shallow conversations or not saying anything other than uneasy hellos and smiles. I hate that. When I give you my name I want you to remember it. I want you to hear it and be pitted against the world of possibilities that my name represents. Yeah my ego extends that far. I'm not a simpleton. I don't need acquaintances. I need connection. Conciliation is too artificial, I only wish to be valued not as a fragile epitome of a girl or a kid but as a force acting, living in this world, in another person's life. Shit. So much for initiating friendship. The dreamer continues to weave dreams out of a cobweb of ideas.

Criticisms are not for me. I love making them though. But I don't always value expressing my opinion. If you don't want to listen then don't. Because what's the point of convincing a person who does not want to listen? I only spend my energy on those who wish to understand. I guess it's a little selfish, sometimes I don't like forcing myself on other people. But now that I want to make a new friend, I think I have to change my attitude a bit. I have to make him look at me as an equal, I have to be the source of his epiphany muwahahahhaha or the other way around ^^v

I stumble on, run, and spend my energy on the things I undertake, all with a false hope that it would not go to waste, not knowing if what I've been doing is truly essential in my life. And whenever I start doing all that running or the lack of it, it's a bad habit of mine: I always look back and shake my head. "Stop looking at the bottom of the bridge and start moving forward"

Although not all promises you make are fulfilled, although there's always the uncertainty of losing tomorrow to the mistakes you've committed today or to what you have failed to do -- just breathe and acknowledge life. The air does not run out no matter how hard you inhale. You do not lose the ability to take in air even after you breathe out longer than necessary. Even if you don't get all the answers, even if you fail to ask the right questions, even if you feel pseudo-human, remember the life around you. You just have to be grateful and bathe in the silence of the "unfound" answers, those that belong solely to you. Because sometimes, to have an infinite sense of security is being most vulnerable to loss.

Thank you God for everything. *bows down low*

2007-08-03T01:54:00.000-07:00

Yep he's a genius! Am going to purchase button pins out of love for Pon and Zi <3333 But I think it's out of stock dammit T.T
***

Unfinished as always:

I proceeded to scan the surrounding. We were nearing the palace as the sound of the rivulet running under the main entrance became closer. I gently patted Longtail and urged him to silently go forward, this mare was as stealthy as any Azator hunter, and I take courage in this.

“Are you sure about this?” I asked. If she was not, I would be the one to deliver his head to our mother.

“Yes.” She sounded resolute but I needed to make sure.

“A three lettered word is not much of an assurance.”

“Yes, I will make this child,” she touched her slowly growing belly

“ruler and succor of this kingdom!”

“Then we shall begin this vendetta. Mother already gave half of her nails as wager to the other nobles. They would fully support us if we succeed in murdering the Prince. We must not fail this time.”

“Yes brother, without fail.”

Kill the prince. These were the only words that made sense to me as we proceeded to enter his chambers.

nililinaw ko lang ^o^v

2007-07-11T05:34:00.000-07:00

Hindi si Gail ang kagalit ko (hindi siya ang tinutukoy ko sa previous post ko) xD Pero malapit na ang debut niya at kahit na hindi ko pa rin alam kung anong sasabihin ko o susuotin natutuwa naman akong makikita ko si Krisel at ang iba ko pang mga kaibigan mula AA!!

***

"In a world with one cup of dreams pity the time spent running" -Emma (anime series)

Nakaiirita

2007-06-21T17:22:00.000-07:00

Ang yabang niya. Ang yabang nila. At oo, sa tingin ko dahil mataas ang tingin nila sa kanilang mga sarili. Kailan kaya sila titingin sa ibaba? Kailan kaya nila malalaman na may nasasaktan na sila? Kailan kaya nila mapagtatanto na hindi lang sila ang tao sa mundong ibabaw na dapat bigyan ng importansya? Sa bagay, ang mundo, patuloy pa ring iikot, at kung sa bagay lahat naman tayo sinusubukang gumawa ng sarili nating luklukan kung saan maitataguyod natin ang ating sarili na nakataas ang noo. Kaya siguro sa isang banda hahayaan ko na lanmang sila. Dahil hinahayaan din naman ako ng mundo saktan ang aking sarili, na libakin at manlibak, na kaawaan ang aking sarili.

Self righteous? Oo sige, sabi mo eh. Sino kaya sa atin ang nagsasabi ng totoo? O kaya naman nagmimistulang salamin lang ako sa iyong mga mata.

Minsan dapat subukan ko ring maging mayabang baka maging masaya rin ako.

Ikaw babae, kinamumuhian kita dahil iniisip mo lang ang sarili mo. Kung pano nakakonekta ang ibang tao sayo at kung paano umiikot sila sa iyo lamang. Sino ka ba? Si haring araw? Manhid ka pa rin hanggang ngayon at hindi ko alam kung bakit nananatili ka sa pedestal mo gayoong mas maraming karapatdapat sa trono mo. Kailan ka kaya luluha? Dahil ang luha mo, merese, karma yan. :]

Pagkatapos ng Hulyo 14, 2007 kanya-kanya na tayo. Para sa bagong simula, bubukod na ako, kailangan ko nang lumaya.

Kung ang kapalit ng kalayaan ay kalungkutan at pag-iisa. Bakit hindi? Mas mabuti na iyon kaysa magplastikan tayong lahat dahil minsan nakapapagod na lang talaga.

2007-06-16T22:31:00.001-07:00

before i forget about my potential stories:

horror- Sound of The Sea
kubo, nails, ghost, man and his cel

allegory- Minsan Isang Damo xD
damo, hangin, pag-ibig, kalayaan

- Saglit sa Loob ng Anino// Saglit Inside the Shadow
saglit, anino, lamay, isla, liwanag, ugat

realismo- Buhay Robot
isang ngiti lang sa buhay robot na ito

I just got home from San Juan, Batangas! Nakakapagod ang biyahe!

I was able to see a sea urchin up close, and it was not the common black kind, it was red streaked with purple ;p

I love my family.

Jollibee wee! Fathers' day

Doble na ang kaitiman ko: sunburn from bataan + sunburn from batangas = bi-chan turned nog-nog xD

Etoh lang muna, to be continued na lang hehe <33

parc laiciffo backwards

2007-06-15T02:47:00.000-07:00

The brooding feeling of insignificance nestles silently in my mind, a thought that is so tempting to dwell on but is too dangerous to consider. And here I am giving in to the beckon of depression-themed blog entries, trying to eschew acrimony by magnifying its intensity through my words.

This is similar to tasting alcohol: sticking my tongue out a little, its scent going past my olfactory like high speed needles, letting it burn my lips with the harsh kiss of its liquid substance, the warmth -- numbing my senses until I draw away from the glass, a little dazed but satisfied. Hence, I write about…

The need to prove one’s self, considering one’s worth, begets the stabbing feeling one gets when disillusioned from a fatuous self perception. I think ruby is good enough and then I ask why?

I have been playing with such notions of my youth wasted in a life lived in the shadow of someone else’s greatness. I look at my achievements turn around and see another individual who is supposedly better, who could recite his own salvo of accomplishments and then I start to reproach myself for not having the audacity to step forward and be another ruby. But who is this ruby? Is the present me so bleakly dull that to change becomes appallingly desirable?

Sometimes I think I am in a different world, and that I am drowning in air for a reason, it is because I cannot belong with the people in this room. I am different, I am different I keep telling myself, my sprit sinking a little further. It is to get stuck in those half meant consolations that I grit my teeth, one breath away from screaming. To indulge in my individuality and not suffer the tortures of isolation are two things that I cannot bring together.

I have lost my voice. I have lost myself. What does it mean to be heard? What does it mean to live? Should I create a world of my own or should I endeavor in claiming my place in the right-here-and-now of my life?

I am myself, I once wrote in an essay, I even quoted Descartes in saying “I think therefore I am” And I think, and I think, and I think…I just have to move on, I’m not dying yet so maybe to live is to be and to be is to run and stumble, get up and stare and run again as if it is possible to die this way as much as it is possible to live the same way.

DamnMyEmoMoments

Hear me. Find me. I am looking for my soul.

ASAP dude ASAP nyaha ;p

Story yey <3

2007-06-04T04:12:00.000-07:00

She decided to get married and I was appalled by her decision. I waited for her to say that she was kidding and that everything, even how she stuttered in telling me, were all part of an act to convince me of her lies. Was this the most brilliant way to hurt me? Yes.

I asked her a month ago the same question, made her face the same proposal, to marry me or not, and she only had rejection for me. A simple no, without reason or any explanation to make me understand why ten years in a relationship still left her undecided.

At that moment, after her confession, I stood there at the bar counter looking at its eerie blackness and noticing how similar my feelings were with how the ice slowly sank in the liquid substance of scotch. I took my drink and finished it while looking directly in her eyes and tear stained face. Why did she tell me this? She wanted me to suffer this much or was it to excite pity.

“Well congratulations.” And I left just like the coward I really am.

2007-06-03T19:51:00.000-07:00

"Happiness is perishable"- double house .... that's why I say take pechurs and flaunt them for everyone to see! *ebil laugh*

Bataan

2007-06-03T17:45:00.000-07:00

Nagpunta kami sa Bataan noong Sabado. Napakasaya ng karanasang iyon lalo na ang mismong pagpunta namin -- ang camwhoring sessions, kuwentuhan tungkol sa nakaraang mga bakasyon, asaran, padamihan ng pagbilang ng asong tumatawid, sama-samang nahihilo sa zig-zag xDD Kahit na ang nasa loob lamang ng kotse ay ang uncle at auntie ko, si papa, si ate at ako, parang isang buong pamilya pa rin.

Hindi makukuha sa simpleng salita kung anong klaseng emosyon ang naramdaman namin noong masimulan naming makita ang kakaibang bughaw na repleksyon ng dagat sa kalangitan habang papalapit na kami ng papalapit sa aming destinasyon. Kaya kahit na pagdating namin sa mismong Morong Star resort ay medyo nadismaya kami sa itsura, ang sumalubong sa min na tanawin sa labas ng aming nakuhang kuwarto - ang tila pagdampi ng mga ulap sa dagat ay dahilan na para mapangiti na lang kami at magsimula nang magswimming. Nalaman ko na kahit na hindi kagandahan ang lugar, minsan nasa tao na lang yon -- nagsaya pa rin kami ng todo!

Masarap ang pakiramdam ng dagat sa buong katawan at buti na lang hindi mabato ang ilalim. Noong lowtide nag-adventure pa kami't hinawakan ang isang ligaw na sea cucumber at iba't ibang starfish ^^ Ang sarap maligo sa dagat kapag umuulan! Grabe sa bilis ang pagtakbo namin papuntang tubig noong magsimulang bumuhos ang ulan. Ang malalaking patak ng ulan ay nagiging parte ng malawak na dagat at maararamdaman mo ang magkahalong lamig at init ng tubig sa iyong pisngi.

Naglaro rin kami ng baraha at ang natalo ay nilagyan ng maraming marka ng lipstick sa mukha! Hindi ako grand champion pero hindi rin ako ang kawawang bata na natalo kung hindi ang kapatid ko! nyahahahaha.

Siyempre pa muntik ko nang makalimutan na todo rin ang pagpipyesta namin mula sa pagpunta, pagdating hanggang sa pag-uwi. Unang pagkakataon ko pang makatikim ng panibago naming natuklasang sarap ng Melon Milk!

Tunay talagang masaya ang maikling biyahe't paglangoy namin sa dagat ng Bataan. Ngayon kapag sinasabi ang Bataan hindi lamang malalim na respeto ang nadarama ko para sa mga sundalong parte ng Death March kung hindi pati ang pagpapasalamat para sa alaala ng Sabadong ginugol ko kasama ng aking pamilya. :]]

experiments

2007-05-30T01:44:00.000-07:00

And this is the fruit of minutes spent in front of the pc experimenting with adobe's tool bar ^^;

2007-05-29T19:47:00.001-07:00

Come back to me
When the words of your lover
Are lost in reality’s own steady pace
Come back to me
When the sun’s glares hurt your eyes
And you think about
Shaded turfs and unbroken promises

I could reassure you
Of my love
About love – genuine, unadulterated love
The unending love that
Four letters could only vaguely capture

Love,
Be with me
And come back to me
When to shatter is the option
You don’t want to take.
You’ll never lose me.

An intertwined string around your fingers
It is I
Come back to me -
Agape!

worried

2007-05-28T00:03:00.000-07:00

Dear Phileo,

I woke up from a dream that encapsulated how I wanted to hold your hand and feel how it would exude warmth against the cold of my skin. If you would only trust me enough - engulfed in my embrace in complete surrender, let me feel your fingers in between my own. I would have treasured your love and would have given you my love in earnest.

If you were to go away now, even if I have long realized the meaning of dejection, your absence would leave me with rue sentiments for the possibilities of the love I failed to profess.

You are my friend still.

Be strong, endure, I could only make my presence and my support felt in little ways but the will behind my efforts remain strong. I want you to survive. Please survive.

Sincerely,
Miharu

I'm alive!!!

2006-11-02T21:44:00.000-08:00

Dear Miharu,

How long has it been Miharu? A month or so? A long time of silence. I did not choose to remain quiet for this long, it was a matter of circumstance...I hope you understand :) After we moved to our new house I had no access to the internet and I simply couldn't write to you.

So what has been happening to me? The second quarter humbled me in terms of grades, yep you guessed it right, I failed my trigonometry ;p It has been a balancing act with my ecology club responsibilities (although it's not that big) and my academic life. Phew and my new busmates dotdotdot well I'm still adjusting ^^;;

I've managed to read some articles and a few books which is a surprise considering how lazy I have been to do our IP and Physics homework dang I'm still a procrastinating kid as always.

Miharu I realized how similar I am with Hamlet, I'm still the coward who thinks too much "to be or not to be" and being is such a pain. I wonder when I will have enough courage to pursue the things I want to do. That sounds strange doesn't it? How could I want something and not be able to do it? Nyaha Fr. Edwin would probably reproach me "'I can' nga eh batang to talaga!"

I'll end this letter with a few reminders: I'm always with you, let's do this! towards a new beginning, don't forget to get up no matter what happens....

Sincerely yours,
bi-chan

2006-07-25T02:53:00.000-07:00

Wonderwall by Oasis

Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now

Backbeat the word was on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk along are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
I don't know how

Because maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me ?
And after all
You're my wonderwall

Today was gonna be the day?
But they'll never throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you're not to do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About you now

And all the roads that lead to you were winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
I don't know how

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me ?
And after all
You're my wonderwall

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me ?
And after an
You're my wonderwall

Said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me

2006-07-22T08:40:00.000-07:00

Lumuhod ka sandali
Magdasal at magsumamo
Sa Diyos na nakikinig
Sa likod ng mga nakaririnding pagtangis

Isang libong kaluluwa
Isang dipa ng luha
Bumabaha, bumabaha
Matangay ka kaya?

Alam mong hindi ka na mapapatawad

Sa napipintong pagkamatay
Dadalhin ka
Nitong dumi ng pagkakasala
Sa ilalim ng lupa

Masunog ka, masusunog ka

Mabubulid mo pa ba
Lahat ng kasiraan?
Matatago pa ba sa maskara
Mula sa kanya,
Mula sa iba?

Mamahalin ka pa ba?

Ang kamay mo'y hahawakan NIYA
Sasigipin
Hahalikan ang pisnging may bahid
Ng luha
Hahagkan; kamay mo ay
hahawakan

Magigising ka rin
Tatayo sa pagkakaluhod
Hindi nagdaramot ang Panginoon

grawr

2006-07-22T07:33:00.000-07:00

Ilang araw na rin akong nayayamot sa maraming bagay. Unti-unti kong napagtatanto kung gaano pala ako nakakairita tuwing tinotopak ako. I finally got a taste of my own medicine for the past few days. Kinakarma ako! At sa kasamaang palad ay kakarmahin ako ulit dahil una binastos ko mga magulang ko at pangalawa ay inaway ko ang kapatid ko. Naiirita ako sa aking sarili at sa mga taong nasa paligid ko. Tatlong araw na akong nayayamot! Hindi maganda ang binubunga ng pagpapadala ko sa emosyon. Amp. Kung kailan ako tumanda tiyaka pa ako nagpapaka rebeldeng bata ~~potek!!!~~.

Etoh ang mga salitang natutukso akong sabihin habang sentimental na tumatangis sa pagkamaldita ko: ”mahal ko naman kayo hindi niyo lang ako mahal” haha !@#@!! Parang bata talaga nakakatakot.

Sige etoh na naman ang pagiging sinikal at ang lahat ng pagkamuhi sa sarili na may kasamang pagiimbot para sa kapwa. Ang saya-saya ko talaga *sarcastic*

Grawr

~~Sige strike one para sa mahal kong kaibigan na si tooooot at strike two para sa kyut kong kapatid at strike three para sa tatay ko at strike two para sa nanay ko~~ ... bihira lang na may maka homerun huwag na ninyong pangarapin.

Ang sarap magmura kaso baka lalo pa akong mapunta sa impyerno. Oo mga taong pinagpala ng Diyos ito ay isang bahagi ng aking pagkatao na hindi ko kinatutuwa ngunit patuloy na nagpapakita habang sinususbukan kong mabuhay ng matiwasay.

Hulyo 13, 2006

2006-07-16T06:40:00.000-07:00

Salamat sa lahat ng pagmamahal ng mga taong bumati sa akin ng maligayang kaarawan TT hindi kayang iparating nang simpleng iloveyouguys ang naramdaman kong saya :]

2006-07-16T06:35:00.000-07:00

-Punto de Bista-
Nakaupo siya sa aking tabi
Nag-iisip ng malalim
Pinagninilayan ang kanyang pag-ibig
Samantalang ako’y nakangiti lamang
Nagmamasid

Binulong niya...“Kung kasama ko lang siya.”
Na sinagot ko “Oo, kung kasama mo siya.“
At siya’y napatawa
Magkahalong tuwa’t pagkapariwara

“Dito lang ako...” wika pa niya
“Di naman ako nararapat sa kanya”
Nguminiti lang ako
Kahit naluluha na
“Umalis ka na, hindi bali,
Gagabayan kita.”
“Aalis ako? Baka di ko makaya.”
“Desisyon mo yan.”
Sagot kong marahan
“Basta makasama ko siya...bahala na.”

Natakot ako, magkalas loob kaya siyang
Gawin ang balak niya?

Hawak-hawak ang matalas na patalim
Marahan niyang hiniwa balat, ugat
Dugo’y kumalat

Pula sa puting sahig

At doon kumawala
Pag-tangis
Na ako lamang ang nakarinig
Hagulgol
Na sa akin lamang nanggaling

Pumikit ako, sandaling nagdasal
Ngunit ang dasal ay ’di narinig
Ang pintig ng puso’y dahan-dahang tumigil
At ako’y nanatiling parte ng aninong
Nagmamasid
Hanggang sa pagpikit ng mga mata niya’y
Ako na rin ay nahimbing.

A/N katangahan lang minsan ang ~~"realidad"/ illusyon~~ konsepto mo ng pag-ibig tsktsktsk

another attempt at prose ^^

2006-06-12T00:24:00.000-07:00

A/N this was suppose to be a fanfic of Sleeping Beauty [the version where she wakes up with twins suckling on her mammary glands @.@ and she finds out the prince did something baaaad] grawr but I wasn't able to finish it *tears* hmmm next time I'll try to finish it yosh!

He thumbed her hair slowly with regret. He smiled wistfully; it was more of a frown without scorn but with saturnine emotions evident in the places where his lips curved upward. It was a frown well hidden in a smile. He sat there beside her while she had her head resting peacefully on the white fluff of the pillow.

This was part of the deal, he needed to do this. His fingers transferred from hair to face to lips. He admired her angelic face, how she slept in sweet repose. To impregnate her, that was destined to happen but he never thought that like a bird caught he would remain by her side. Stroking her flaxen hair gently, the night clouds continued to swathe the moon blocking the light it should have given.

“You do know Azarithiel that there is only one way to save her do you not?”
The prince named Azarithiel turned his head, brown locks

TO BE CONTINUED

2006-05-31T22:10:00.000-07:00

I am engulfed by the disease called Loveless. It is gnawing at my heart and my spirits. I love shounen ai or yaoi that could make me feel this kind of poignant emotion. A good plot for me is having the capacity to make my heart give a loud thump and make my brain work (beyond the senses). How could Loveless be this way??? It is genius. The mechanics of the “fights” between both fighters and sacrifices are awesome and they are done in the Neil Gaiman fashion! – battle of the words!

Soubi is scaryyyyyyy! Another similar ideology with Mr. Gaiman “Your name is your fate”

“Are you really Loveless?”------->means so much. Amp. Be careful. He is not yours. You are L O V E L E S S. *heartache* amp “You’ll become mine entirely”---->I remember both of them yes them and they, their love, such a love that neither het or hom pairings would ever understand unless they become them. “Maybe it’s better if we don’t view them as different....maybe pain changes something.” Maybe by pain you would finally find what you’re looking for, maybe something will indeed change . . . maybe. “There is no way a person who cannot feel pain could win against a person who could.” They say you don’t feel pain, people who say that are the ones experiencing it the most – liars.

Rebirth: “Goodbye Nagisa sensei. Now the only people who live are Yamato and Kouya. Zero is dead.”

I am a true romantic I admit. If I were not then I wouldn’t be such a sucker for shounen ai and shoujo mangas. I also love drama or angst, anything that will make you bleed deeper than physical cuts. The power of words is no joke. The strength of words has been proven not just in our own history (referring to Rizal) but also in the carefully woven stories that have ensnared a lot of readers into utter submission and obsession *points at self yet again*

Paladin The fighter BURNS

Note: All quotations were taken from Yun Kouga's Loveless

biglang nalungkot

2006-05-12T09:24:00.000-07:00

Could the rain stop now?
It is almost melancholic
These sounds
They are almost
Tears
They’re almost sobs
And silently there
Silently
The rain falls
Heavily piercing beyond
The roofs through the soul.

Stop now.

I refuse to listen.
I might drown.
You feel for her, for him
Too strongly.
I shouldn’t care
I must not
But I do.

inspired by orchestra version of Utada's songs

2006-05-12T09:18:00.000-07:00

Ang ganda ng himig na lumalabas
Ang marahang pagdampi ng mga nota
Na nanggagaling sa instrumentong
Bihasa nilang tinutugtog.
Mga natatagong galing ay nilalabas;
Pinipiga ang mga sekretong tunog
Na nagmumula sa orihinal na komposisyon;
Tila sinusubukang punan ang kawalan
Ng tunay na boses
Bagamat ang katotohanan
Ay ang salita
Ay pinalitan na ng mas malinaw na
Pagsambit ng mga byolin sa musikang
Sadyang nilaan para sa kanila.

It echoes mastery and precision. The same tunes that I thought could not be copied were amazingly transferred into the melodious trills of the violin. It is like the countless feelings transcribed from thoughts and emotions turned to score sheets that would then pass through acumen hands of violin and piano players.

They make love with light tunes escaping, similar to how a running river would flow: transitory movements captivating the listener. I watch, I listen, and their low moans still me and their high pitched biddings after each swathe of the bow excites my soul. haaaaay.

2006-05-12T07:17:00.000-07:00

I have a severe case of prejudice against extremely beautiful girls. darn. It's either that or I fall in love with them *stares at readers who are apparently gawking right now* no ~~ilikegirlswholooklikeboysandilikeprettyboys~~ jut kidding!

It is true though; I do have a prejudice or a preconceived notion regarding rich and pretty girls. I am ashamed to admit to this although I could honestly say that I am in the process of reverting back to my old principle of not doing what you don’t want others to do to you.

When I started realizing how malicious I've become with the way I would "boost" my self-esteem by thinking badly of others, I decided there was something wrong with me that needed fixing. Now that I'm aware of my discriminating habit I think I could deal with it properly and prevent my mind from being filled with my own junk while at the same time handling my insecurities using more appropriate methods. An anime character said something like classifying people prevents you from broadening your horizons and inhibits you from seeing the more important things in life. I know my self-esteem would only worsen if I become exactly like the malicious wretch that I so despise. I would not. I must not.

More blabbers// Dating Gawi

2006-05-06T17:58:00.000-07:00

Okay let me pride myself by saying that he is gone!!! oh sadness. oh joy. I've successfully "purged" myself from all the idle waiting-for-you-to-come-around shit.

I went out with my friends yesterday, had a hell lot of fun, slashed some cg(?) samurais and lost in a two team air hockey game. I love choupie and lles!!!! Do I need to say that? Alam niyo na yon diba! <3

I want to write. I can't seem to...write anything more meaningful than what I’ve written so far in my "blue notebook". I just remembered how many notebooks I own, all given to me by classmates who say I'm good in writing hence the ntbk but who've never actually read any of my work (except for Andrea who by the way had patience enough to read my crappy poems). The notebook is either the symbol of their unprofessed hate “mag practice ka pa!!! pangit ng gawa mo!” or an unspoken encouragement “mag-iimprove ka rin kaibigan.” Or maybe that was just me consoling myself xD Yosh! I will, I will, I will use those ntbks to use and practice, practice, practice! I will waste them with my works of poetry and prose! Yes!!!

End.

April 29, 2006

2006-05-01T07:42:00.000-07:00

I was watching tv past midnight looking for something, anything that could prevent me form dying out of boredom. True enough I started to take interest in a movie being aired in Hallmark. I think Hallmark is prominent for its quality and accurate film adaptations of literatures hence I told myself that Shut up and kiss me despite its katharsis inducing title was worth watching. It was amusing erm but one thing that caught my attention was the line said by this blonde dude saying that

“Guys with cats are homo and girls with cats are easy”
me: O_o okaaaaay so I’m easy now? *prays to God that @#^$^# is not gay*

Wtf?! Stereotypes could be really, truly, verily, absolutely weird, demeaning (one way or the other) and stupid. The next thing you know what kind of sandals you wear makes you something other than a normal mortal trying to walk peacefully without being classified into another specie.

2006-05-01T07:33:00.000-07:00

Words of wisdom from Loveless [manga] uttered by a 12 yr old kid *tear drop, Ritsuka’s so sagacious*

Ritsuka : /I wonder who are the people we can trust in this world, what is the truth. If you can’t see your own little reality, you can’t know. And if you make a mistake, maybe it is as if you turned your own knife against yourself. What is to trust someone? I don’t know but even if you betray me, I will forgive you./

2006-05-01T06:33:00.000-07:00

April 25, 2006

Last night I was lying in bed thinking of a scenario I would want to one day find myself in. It was the thought of some random coffee shop, a paper and a pen or better yet a laptop and I; typing away, once in a while filling my olfactory with the smell of brewing coffee and then taking a sip or two in my own cup. Or a neat picnic of my own in some place with a panoramic view, and then just lying there on the grass ruminating while looking up at the pink, tangerine and azure dabbed sky --- heaven.

When I grow up I want to have tea, preferably jasmine tea with honey, reading outside the front porch with the wind blowing in a slight breeze. I want to be able to go to a nearby supermarket and buy ingredients for a dish I would be cooking for the first time. I want to cook for a person I really, really care about. Having my own library composed of tons of books and a comfortable chair wherein I could leisurely read without any unwanted disturbances would also be nice :) I would like to someday climb a gigantic tree both for the thrill of climbing and the satisfaction of reaching the top: looking at the world from a different place.

My dreams are actually simple, thoughts and instances that when in the near future satisfied, could make my mundane heart blissful.

anxious

2006-04-23T09:42:00.000-07:00

Many things happen and I stand still listening to past melodies and present dirges...

Fear grapples around with sadness
They fight
No one wins;
Anon they come again
Battling out their own existence in my mind
My heart aches
For nothing in particular
Just for the sake of aching
...

"I will be leaving you soon"
Tears will be spent again

Could I ever be a "forgotten" to you?
Please don't.

I still love you

***

Amp bakit ba biglang ang lungkot kapag iniisip kong magpapalit na ako ng service at parang yung nag-iisang koneksyon natin ay mapuputol na nang mas maaga sa inaasahan. Wag mo akong kakalimutan kaibigan. pakiusap.

***

A sentimental girl could easily be ensnared by a player’s sweet words and even worse when the girl’s depressed, moody and lonely the bs of the said scrub could remain unseen to her. Pathetic really, if I become prey to such a male scum I hope I don't remember any regrettable actions I might have done and then puke afterwards.

I'm starting to think that being the sentimental angsty teen that I am could get me into the same serious and fucked up "love" scenario. NOOOOOO!!

DON'T MIND MY STUPID RANTS. I DON'T KNOW WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT...maybe i'm just too anxious about everything.

April 10, 2006

2006-04-13T03:23:00.001-07:00

I’ve never written something straight forward without making it sound totally boring. Maybe I should try it sometime and practice my skills in making actual journal entries rather than sticking with my usual habit of verbose speech.

The weirdest thing has been happening to me, or maybe I should consider it normal for my friends’ standards *coughkyracough*. I’ve found myself talking out loud to no one in particular other than kibatots (a stuffed leopard) and pupu (a stuffed panda). Isn’t that disturbing?? I thought writing was enough for my medication and that it would or could prevent me from going insane but as I’ve painstakingly found out, with only a few twitch and fumble over “loneliness”/ utter boredom, I could go on blabbering about different, various and zany things verbally without talking to any human being present, just myself and my stuffed toys. Wahh this is what summer could do to you! No! This is what wading in the unproductiveness of summer could do to half sane people like me! Giving in to the temptation of lying around, sleeping, eating and sleeping more...is b a d!

Anyway....

Happy Birthday to my dad! I love you big papa bear!

I still love reading yami no matsuei fanfics. I still love tatsumi and muraki. I still enjoy hisoka *didn’t sound right* And I am still a slave to yaoi...one of my long lasting vice. Yan ang problema kapag wala kang laber eh you get to initiate late night rendezvous with rated M shounen ai fanfics xDD

I still love my life.

I’m desperate to be with you again though I don’t know if you’ll still embrace me with the same warmth. I’ve always loved you deeply than any other person I’ve learned to love. You know I literally and emotionally cannot live without you. The sheep needs her shepherd. I am in desperate need of you =/

2006-04-13T03:17:00.000-07:00

It looks as though i mean something to you...but do I really? There are just too many said words to make me believe otherwise.

I’ve always loved your voice.
Should i describe it?

I don’t love you
I don’t
I really don’t
It’s not possible
But could you...
Forgive me
For letting myself
Love...
Or
Love
The idea of
Love
Of believing that
I do love you?

How is it that with a few meetings and some kind exchanges I’ve desired to be close to an ideal that could never be me. I love you. I couldn’t say it without sounding a little over the top, fluffy, childish, overly romantic and obviously infatuated. I love you if this means that there is verity in that statement every time I think of your smile, the sound of your voice, affirmations...elations in their own complexity moving me to smile just as sweetly or with an inanity of a crass admiration. Every two years I hope and I expect. But within two years you’re bound to leave, no, you’re not leaving me, although I hope it would be so. You would not be leaving with the thought of leaving someone who cares behind; it’s more of just plain leaving. At least the expecting is exterminated and at least soon enough all the hope would be diminished as well. I love you if it means I would let myself say it over and over again without actually berating my own weakness for thinking that this impetuous feeling is love. No, I know it’s not love. And I know I do not love you truly but like what I’ve been saying: I love you if it means that I would continue falling for those little times that I’ve kept, those snap shots of you no matter how false they may be. Because I love you if it means what love means for a person that has never been “loved” the same way.

Mahirap kalimutan ang taong katulad niya

Oo, kaya nga wala akong pag-asa para sa pag-ibig mo at masyado pa akong bata para maghangad na mapaligaya ka.

lousy...gomen

2006-04-09T07:54:00.000-07:00

There’s something convincingly tricky about rainfall. Sadness comes with the trickle of rain and despite the obvious blasé of associating tears with rain, how the two come together perfectly in the midst of seemingly various saturnine circumstance is an occurrence that continues to be a disconcerting mystery. If one would link time with rain and how the artistic value of rainfall conflate with that of gray mornings and rue themed epics, it could be said that the trickle of rain is like a trill that adds an inescapable expression to a dirge.

Why can’t happy moments happen during a rainy day?

Maybe they do. The only thing is, it’s easier to think that destiny played a part in one’s sorrows and that the rainfall as much as the presence of melancholy brings cleansing, paving the way to maybe a better future and a bearable present, thinking that heaven laments with you. Or maybe not.

2006-03-26T17:53:00.000-08:00

Playing with vagueness. Tripping and falling. It would have been easier if everything was clear and simple. And then everything would be trivial and no one would care and human inanity would cease to exist in the toil and coil of life. Not.

You came out from a painting and I was amazed at how fragile you looked. Your poison dipped tongue coated with honeyed words pierced a hole through my brain. My blood is spent for you and I drink aimlessly the liquid acidity of your name. Mellifluous coaxing and aesthetic visions of you drown me further. Take me.

2006-03-19T01:15:00.000-08:00

Metamorphosis of a thousand butterflies
The transformation of dreams made worlds

The foam rimmed seas
Rise and fall

Looking up at a changing sky
At leaves falling down with grace,
Rocking steady along the wind’s gentle breath

I smile

2006-03-17T03:16:00.000-08:00

“I” is not a person. “I” is a feeling that makes use of passions/admirations/obsessions as its vector and it is that which finds a host in living organisms classified as humans.
***
I am in a circle of thoughts that are blown with the wind into a sporadic burst of thorns piercing mortal hearts. I refuse to know what I am; renewed definitions materialize with every person who attempts to name my existence. I am the cause of sorrow and a thousand questions, of wishes that turn into desires and benign dreams that turn virulent.

Like a photographic memory, keeping me inside your head, your heart is desperate: its pulsation is an amalgamation of anguish and fallacies.

2006-03-17T03:09:00.000-08:00

School year 2005-2006 has ended. Freedom could not be described better: freedom from the distress and eustress of school life! Sa wakas! Kalayaan! But the thing about endings and what’s sad about finally achieving what you’ve looked forward to for the longest of time is that the satisfaction doesn’t last that long. I suddenly find myself thinking of what will come next, what I should do, and then I realize that I am lost in the simple silence of...endings. Getting caught with the flow and the endeavors of getting there and then facing the actuality of this awaited moment, has temporarily paralyzed my ability to begin anything.

Beginnings come from a thousand endings, and so looking at the good side of things, the blessing about beginnings is that moving on become inevitable: it acts as the “incentive moment”/ the big start that lets you stumble all over life again while letting you find new ways to get up and continue the fight.

Simula na ng bakasyon! Isa na namang pagkakataong magawang ngayon ang bukas na inaasam-asam!

Sigaw ng isang batang tinamaan ng palaso ni kupido [clue: name starting with a K]: Darren hengeng pechur! Hehehehe peace tayo kapatid *alammokungsinoka* xD

feeling like shit [poteks!!!]

2006-02-26T18:47:00.000-08:00

Tangina ang gago ko para makadama ng kahit ano para sa iyo kahit sa sandaling panahon na iyon. Bata pa nga ata ako, mabilis mahulog, mabilis madapa, mabilis gumawa ng mga kuwento sa utak niya na parang mga paruparong nagliliparan sa ”ganda” – peke lang pala lahat, kathang isip lang pala. Ito ang mga panahong masarap magmura at sumigaw at magtanong ng kahit ano sa langit, sa bangin...tumalon, lumakad, lumangoy...kahit ano para makalimutan ang sandaling nagpakatanga ka. Bakit? Bakit? Bakit? Isang kabiguan nang mabasa ko ang mga nakasulat sa blog mo. I’m a freakin kid. That much is proven.

Tama na. Nalololoka na ako. Tama na’t nilabas ko na ang saloobin ko. Tama nang mapagtantong hindi kaibig-ibig ang pagiging pranka ko, hindi kanais-nais maging kontra sa mga tao dahil etoh ako, ganito ako, kahit na pagbalibaliktarin I’ll never be enough kasi may kulang. Tangina nakakapagod maging kalahati, maging isang dipa lang sa ninanais ng iba.

“Am I not enough?”-Seya [kung siya nga ba ito o hindi...di ko na maalala ><;; basta siya]

OO. TINATANONG PA BA YAN??

2006-02-24T23:05:00.000-08:00

Isang peligro ang hindi tumingin sa dinadaanan ngunit ito ang paboritong gawin ng mga tao..ang sumigaw at tumakbo “makibaka!” bulag sa totoong hirap ng mga tao, kumikilos dahil sa tulak ng sikmura...makasirili.

Sa gera lahat ng panig sinasabing tama sila. Tama. Hindi. Tama. Oo. Hindi. Ewan magpatayan na lang tayo. Sige tara. Makibaka!

Ano nga bang pinaglalaban mo? Patay na ang mga bayani. Wala na ang bayan. Pagtitipon-tipon na lang yan ng mga tuta ng politiko...makibaka?

”di habang buhay ang api ay api” –Amado Hernandez

ideyalismo? Ginagamit ang kanilang sigaw, daing, pagtangis sa pagpapaikot ng kapwa, para makuha ang kapangyarihan.

2006-02-17T11:21:00.000-08:00

I'm over you and I'm happy.

Papa just came home from China with loads of chocolate. I opened my eyes after waiting for a k-drama that I missed >< and I heard his voice...I was glad that he was home and my mom, I knew she was just as happy as I was that he came to us whole and safe. Love you big papa bear!

mahal ko. lumipas na ang araw ng mga puso. nakakubli pa rin ang puso ko - nabibiyak sa isang sulok.

2006-02-14T05:55:00.000-08:00

It looks as though I’m faced with a thousand signs that I should make the choice of serving instead of indulging in a career that will benefit me financially.

***

I watched a play amazed with all the pretty colors and the actors and actresses with their make up hiding their faces; painted masks that stain the floor when they weep. I looked on, wide eyed as I recognized myself playing the part of a dancing pixie twirling round and about with “glamour” (Sandman) talking to a prince who was looking for his snow white, the love of his life who ran away.

Troubled by thoughts that will not last longer than two years, I breathe wondering if I’m still alive, if I’m doing this to assure myself of my existence. Falling in love with the idea of a moment that has come to pass long ago, I, the mourner of the parody of all tragedies try to smile it all away

“he shall spurn fate, scorn death and bear his hopes bove wisdom, grace and fear. And you all know security is man’s chiefest enemy.” (Macbeth)

If there’s something more authentic than the feeling of melancholy and pain – show it to me that I may break it and send it out to lady happiness.

Remember the statement freely given by your own kindred: “Why would he choose you?” Fuck. I shouldn’t dwell on another inanity like this. AMP (if I may borrow your abbreviated expression senpai ><;)

2006-02-12T06:27:00.000-08:00

My sister accidentally deleted my documents as in my documents! the only fiction that was spared was this (I do not even remember that I wrote something like this -.-; but it is mine I could tell -.-;;;):

I looked at you with your head down, your hair covering your face, your eyes filled with tears. I looked at you and I touched your hand and I inhaled, taking in the sweet stupor of the surrounding. I stayed there with you and though you didn’t look up, you leaned on me slightly as if you were afraid I’ll crush you or that you’ll encumber me. Inhale, exhale, as if this would be the only thing I’ll ever remember, if I let go of your hand you might disappear, this moment might become our amnesia, our escapist’s wonderland.

A/N pardon the last sentence ---...---; *isang malaking sweat drop/toyo*

etoh nanaman...the drama never ends..I am ashamed to admit T.T

2006-01-27T05:13:00.000-08:00

To the person who happens to pass by and read, I would just like to remind you that this is my blog and I’m entitled to be as pathetic as I want to be.

I hate myself. I ate and ate for the two months of December and January or even longer, two months before the dang prom. No, the not-fitting-into-the-dress thing is not my problem; I just hate it when I find myself losing complete control over myself. Hindi nag-iisip ang gago, kain lang ng kain kahit mamatay siya balang araw sa diabetes. Tangina! At sabi ko rin sa sarili ko wag nang mag Mcdo, kumain ng icecream at matatamis at higit sa lahat putangina there dotdotdot wag nang magmura. Tumayo ng tuwid at mag-aral. Mga pangakong napako. I hate myself even though it will not make me feel better or less dissatisfied with the way I am, with the way I cope up with my discontentment.

I should stop trying to prove my self-worth. Not to those I want to be recognized as someone worth giving a damn to, not to myself, not to the people who cares.

It’s just pathetic how much I could be a hypocrite. “Ano ka ba hindi ka mataba, masyado ka naman eh.” I tell my friends that they’re too weight conscious while I myself think about my fat constantly. I hate this. I hate this.

I hate how I send out the impression that I can’t speak english fluently, especially if my conciliation involves someone as great as senpai, or lles, or some other “from the block people”. It’s like trying to enter in this imaginary zone that I created for myself: the zone of inhibition between their elitist world and my trying too hard/ carabao english realm. The problem is I can’t console myself by just thinking that at least I could write a little or at least I could speak in Filipino...as if those people I want to prove myself to would really see beyond my notashighcaliber and as a person to be acknowledged in her own way. I shouldn’t give a damn of what other people say. But I do and it sucks. I hate myself.

If someone tries to bad mouth me...to hell with stooping to the same level as him, I will swear vengeance and I mean it, either that or I’m completely convinced that he’s not worth it. Childish? Nagpapakatotoo lang ako dahil ayokong magbuhat ng sarili kong bangko at sabihing mayroon na akong dunong or that I’m mature enough to resist fighting back.

old bonds

2006-01-24T05:28:00.000-08:00

I gave up on this person, not too long ago. She meant a lot to me, she helped define my friends, and I loved her with great admiration. We fought, I couldn't move on, I struggled not to let go but she wasn't holding on to the strings as tightly as I did. Our friendship ended with just one glitch, a miscommunication but still, I refused to hang up.

I was selfish; I guess, when I felt the tide going against me and when I realized the person who backed me up was now pushing me lower and lower to rock bottom, I decided to stop. . . give up and let myself fall full force, flat to the ground. Splat.

I wanted her to feel that she had lost me. I wanted her to cry for . . . me. She never did.

d e p r e........alamniyonayan

2006-01-20T05:02:00.000-08:00

I'm on a magical island...stranded. I am in a giant shell, squirming like a snail, struggling to move on - away and back.

To kiss the ground you tread upon, I kneel and ask the gods, impassioned by the virulent lick of fecundity, to let me drink an elixir. . . for the heartless jab of passion to tarry long enough for it (for you) to

go

away.

awayfrommyfreakinmind

"Kung puso mo ay pinaglalaruan/ Konteng takas lang sa loob ng botelya

Kumakapa ng kahulugan/ Kung ba't ang pagmamahal ay nabibiyak/ At bakit ang langit lumuluksa/ At ang araw ay lumuluha

At maaring ngumarap na naman/ Panaginip lang, panaginip lang... " -Liquid Jane

substantial in its own way...sometimes we just all need botelyas in our lives

2006-01-02T13:09:00.000-08:00

When I finally have the memories to share, when my wandering ceased and became a fulfillment like a one second skin contact with a creature having no actual empirical membrane to cover his veins [similar to the mere impossibility of acquiring memories that were suppose to be part of a childhood I only partly experienced as fun (where’s the child in that? An unknown ____hood)] - I suddenly realize that the craven child cowers, afraid of all the unfamiliar colors.

inspired???? weh di nga?

2005-12-23T09:25:00.000-08:00

It’s funny how I have decided to remain as the unknown admirer. My new obsession is just starting but I’m already bemused with these, these, these . . . emotions, feelings, thoughts, illusions, and again I am swept into another person; conquered by another being’s “solitude” as the great Rilke puts it. Lles chan :] I was finally able to read the book you gave me for Christmas, I had finished it but until now the content is still vaguely fathomable to me in a sense that I only know a part of what he named as the great solitude, I still could not grasp the full extent of what he was trying to say partly because of my (still) insufficient hoard of experiences.

I feel that I am moving into my own destiny, pushing against the torrent of other lives with their own fate to fulfill.

I’ve been writing a lot of poems lately and I think that reading Rilke’s work is very timely for me. I want to be able to write expressive poetry. I want to be able to describe what I feel, what I felt, what I’m feeling and I want to move the reader as I myself am being moved into an unknown realm of “unconscious”, my own unexplored forest, the interminable and inexorable wealth that each individual share knowingly to some extent as part of another whole, another piece of his own humanity.

***

I wonder how it would feel like to be in another country and smell the faint fragrance of the wind, knowing that the same wind has swept over the land you have longed to be in once again. I could only imagine, if I am in the same circumstance, how melancholy will grip me with utter longing to be back in my own mother land.

Ang hangin,
Sa kanyang pag-ihip,
Sa bawat galaw at haplos ng kanyang mga kamay
Habang marahang dinuduyan ako sa kanyang bisig
Aking naiisip ang bansang aking kinagisnan
Ang bansang salat sa hirap ng pagkapariwara

Bansang tinubuan ko
Bansang nag-aruga sa aking mga ninuno
Kung saan ang parehong dugo
Ang patuloy na nananalaytay sa aking pagkatao
Sa aking pagaka Pilipino

Hapon, Estados Unidos, Europa
Kay layo ng aking narating
Upang mapagtanto lamang itong aking
Natatanging pangungulila...
Pangungulila para sa aking minamahal
Sa aking Pilipinas!

2005-12-22T21:13:00.000-08:00

A trembling hand
Silently weeping
In an attempt to look for
What he has lost

A quiet fear growing
Inside the being
Who looks on
Taking hold of his hand
Squeezing it tighter
Stopping the constant tremor
Of fear

Her protection:
Enveloping embrace
The candor of a soul
Falling

kung ang pag-iyak mo ngayon, kapalit ay ang pagtawa mo bukas....

2005-12-21T21:36:00.000-08:00

I want to tell you. . .

to cry...to be sad...to lose hope...if this is the only way...for me to see...

your smiling face...your laugh...replacing all those tears...the love that has gone out from you... replenished...and I want to be the one...

who’ll hold you...and....tell you....how much you...mean to...

M

E

lmao xD

2005-12-08T20:19:00.000-08:00

Miharu has found a very funny/ intriguing article while doing a research on Charlotte Bronte wehehehehe I do not know if this is true...oh what the hell just read it and decide for yourself....

http://www.theage.com.au/news/Books/Reader-I-shagged-him/2005/04/21/1114028489917.html
Reader, I shagged him
By Tanya Gold
April 23, 2005

Gaskell carefully fillets the letters to match her agenda. Any hint of Charlotte as a sexual being is tossed on to the historical furnace. Charlotte's correspondence with the (married) love of her life, Monsieur Heger of Brussels, is ignored, as is her thwarted romance with George Smith. Gaskell could hardly leave out Charlotte's marriage to Arthur Nicholls - but no doubt she would have liked to.
In Brussels, studying to become a governess at Heger's school, the virgin became ever more lustful. She wrote obsessive letters to him, begging for his attention. "I would write a book and dedicate it to my literature master - to the only master I have ever had - to you Monsieur."
Later she writes: "Day or night I find neither rest nor peace. If I sleep I have tortured dreams in which I see you always severe, always gloomy and annoyed with me. I do not seek to justify myself, I submit to every kind of reproach - all that I know - is that I cannot - that I will not resign myself to losing the friendship of my master completely - I would rather undergo the greatest physical sufferings. If my master withdraws his friendship entirely from me I will be completely without hope . . . I cling on to preserving that little interest - I cling on to it as I cling on to life."
Charlotte's "master" did not return her love, but Jane Eyre's did. Charlotte's fixation with sex could not be realized in truth - so she realized it in fiction. Jane Eyre has spawned a thousand luscious anti-heroes, and a million Pills & Swoon paperbacks. Her prose is dribbling, watchful and erotic. It's much better than The Story of O, or Naked Plumbers Fix Your Tap.
In Jane Eyre she created on the page the men she could not have in the sack: rude, rich, besotted Edward Rochester and beautiful, sadistic St-John Rivers. Both, naturally, beg to marry her and she draws every sigh and blush and wince exquisitely. She writes long, detailed scenarios for her paper lovers. She loves to argue with them and she always comes out on top.
In the throbbing, climactic scene, after Rochester has teased her (lovingly, of course), she wrote: "Do you think, because I am poor, plain, obscure and little, I am soulless and heartless? You think wrong! I have as much soul as you and full as much heart. And if God have gifted me with some beauty and much wealth, I should have made it as hard for you to leave me as it is now for me to leave you. I am not talking to you now through the medium of custom, conventionalities, nor even of mortal flesh - it is my spirit that addresses your spirit; just as if both had passed though the grave, and we stood at God's feet, equal - as we are."
Rochester melts. " 'As we are!' repeated Mr Rochester - 'so,' he added, enclosing me in his arms, gathering me to his breast, pressing his lips on my lips: 'so, Jane!' " The St-John fantasies are filthier yet, as Charlotte's masochism oozes on to the page. "Know me to be what I am," he tells Jane. "A cold, hard man." Jane watches St-John admire a painting of a beautiful woman and the voyeurism excites her; "he breathed low and fast; I stood silent". I know Charlotte had an orgasm as she wiped the ink from her fingers and went to take her father his spectacles.
Charlotte was not only randy; she was rude. She was sent a copy of Jane Austen's Emma and spouted bile all over it. "(Austen) ruffles her reader with nothing vehement, disturbs him by nothing profound," she bitches. "The passions are perfectly unknown to her . . . the unseen seat of life and the sentient target of death - this Miss Austen ignores." Later she smacks her more firmly over the bonnet. "Miss Austen is not a poetess. Can there ever be a great artist without poetry?"
If Charlotte slagged off Austen - her only real rival in the canon of superb, sex-starved writers - what would she have made of Gaskell's blackwash? A one parasitic shot at immortality?
I can see from the dress that she was a dwarf. A genius indeed, but a dwarf.
In the shop, Gaskell, again, has won. There is every Bronte-branded item the mother of the cult could wish, except, perhaps, enormous golden Bs. I choose a gold fridge magnet, a tea-towel that says "Bronte genius - love, life and literature", and a toy sheep that says "Bronte". There is a Jane Eyre mouse mat that says, "I am no bird and no net ensnares me; I am a free human being with an independent will." This souvenir disgusts me, but no doubt Mrs Gaskell would love it. In Jane Eyre, Charlotte wrote "independent human being". She did not write "independent mouse mat".

PS this is not the full article, I only took the parts interesting to me (those that are relevant to my research). If you want to read the whole thing just visit the site where I got it from...there *points up*

mawkish

2005-12-03T19:03:00.000-08:00

Oweeeeeeee sweeeto! Hirai Ken is my friend! When you feel sad, ah yeah groove with Mr. Hirai and everything will be okay. Kimiwa boku no tomodachi I love you dude the beat, the rhythm, the melody is gorgeous! This is what I’m talking about, when you’re depressed, when you want to kill someone, when you just want to say THE HELL WITH YOU ASS HOLE! Instead of saying that...sing!!!!! “Just count on me...I’m your friend” the song goes and when you really feel like crap just snap your fingers and try not to cry. Oh I’m so happy>>ureshi desu!

Who am I kidding?
Myself.
That will do.
Dumb ass.
Shut up you have no right to talk to me you’re only my alter ego buwahahaha.
NO am not.
Yes you are.
Fne.
Fine. Bleh!
You’re the one who’s acting childish.
Yes I know and ASHAMED.
Shame has no place in your heart girl, in this world you got to be hard as a rock, crying is for weak people.
No it’s not.
For you it is.
Fine.
Good.
Shut up already.
I don’t want to.
Why?
Cause tears will come out if I shut up.
I won’t cry trust me...I’ve got a friend in Mr. Ken Hirai’s invigorating voice.
I guess it’s not working I’m seeing a tear drop honey.
That’s not a tear drop, muta lang iyan
[right...chicka].
You don’t want to believe me fine!
Fine.

Because the sun is so shiny I know I should forget about my worries and start singing oh yeah “pow, pow dudurup dooroop you can count on me!”

I HATE YOU YOU CRUEL MONSTER YOU WALANG PAKIALAM LAHAT NAMAN NG TAO WALANG PAKIALAM MAHAL LANG NILA SARILI NILA I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU YOU ME WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE? *INHALE EXHALE* DEMENTED DEMENTED DEMENTED LLES MIKO KRISEL GAIL HELP ME!!!!!!! BAKIT BA MINSAN MATATAGPUAN MO NA LANG ANG IYONG SARILI BIGLANG NAG-IISA WALANG KARAMAY PERO ALAM KO NANDIYAN NAMAN SILA NA SOBRA-SOBRA ANG PAGMAMAHAL SA AKIN PERO AS IF NAMAN PUWEDE KO SILA GAWING UNAN AT DALHIN SA BAHAY AT IYAKAN AT AHHHHHHH KILL KILL KILL KILL DON’T ASK ME TO EXPLAIN I CANT ISA LANG NAMAN ANG ALAM MO KAPAG MASAKIT MASAKIT KAPAG MASAYA MASAYA PERO ANG NAKAKAYAMOT SA LAHAT AY IYONG HINDI MO ALAM KUNG ANO ANG MALI BASTA MAY PROBLEMA...HINDI, SIYEMPRE ALAM MO PERO HINDI MO LANG MAUNAWAAN KUNG BAKIT SA NAPAKALIIT NA BAGAY, SA NAPAKA WALANG KUWENTANG BAGAY, SA NAPAKA UNDESERVING NA TAO, UMIIYAK KA, DAHIL BA NAAALALA MO SIYA? O SIYA? PAREHO LANG NAMAN SILANG LAHAT. AKALA KO NAKALIMUTAN KO NA, AKALA KO FORGIVE AND FORGET. I CAN’T FORGET. BAKIT BAKIT BAKIT BAKIT BAKIT BAKIT BAKIT BAKIT BAKIT BAKIT MASAYA BANG MABALIWALA? EH BAKIT PARANG GUSTONG-GUSTO NG MGA TAONG GAWIN????......................NAGWAWALA NA AKO............LLES MIKO *hug isipin mo na lang mero hug hug hug hug*.....................KAILANGAN KO PA BANG TUMANGIS? OO KAILANGAN KO DAHIL KAHIT GAANO KASAYA ANG KANTA KAPAG INUUSIG KA NG MGA DAMDAMING HINDI NAMAN DAPAT NANDIYAN, HINDI NAMAN DAPAT MARAMDAMAN ANO NA LANG BA ANG KANTA KUNG HINDI ISANG SANDALAN, ISANG PANGAKONG NANDIYAN LAMANG ANG MGA KAIBIGAN MO, KAIBIGAN KO..............oo mahirap manghula kaya ito huwag na kayong manghula masama ang loob ko pero sa lunes ngingiti ako yung sobrang sobrang ngiti dahil ayaw kong maging pabigat sa kahit sino i will be a bruden to myself and not to anyone else. I will do my best! ‘do your own time, don’t do other people’s time for them’---american gods

Ken Hirai: YOU CAN COUNT ON ME
Me:: I know :] And Mr. Ken I feel better now thank you *glomp*

And oh I forgot something. Lles chan...my plan back fired on me cause I’m such a rash idiot hahaha.

2005-12-02T06:39:00.000-08:00

I will let myself be subjected to danger again. Sabi ko dati hindi na ako susulat sa isang taong hindi sigurado. Isang taong kayang-kaya ako saktan, walang commitment iyong tipong isang away lang mawawala na lahat ng pinagsamahan ninyo. Dahil nangyari na sa akin iyon at puta [forgive the word] ang sakit. Sobrang sakit kung alam lang ng taong iyon..pero hindi iyon ang punto ko at teka lang ha hindi ko boyfriend ang tinutukoy ko kung hindi isang kaibigan. Ang hiling ko lang sana hindi masyadong padalos-dalos itong taong pagkakatiwalaan ko ng madaming bagay. Alam ng mga kaibigan ko na ang boses ko ay matatagpuan sa panitikan, sa pagsusulat at ibig sabihin noon kada salita na nakasulat sa papel mayroon akong inaalay na bahagi ng aking sarili, bahagi ng pagiging ako hindi bilang tao kung hindi ang mismong diwa ko. I hope you’re not one of them. I honstely hope that I would not end up hurting myself. Ayoko na talagang umasa sa iyo sa totoo lang dahil sobrang isang paligong stable ka lang kaysa kay C** at nakakatraumang maranasan iyon.

Walanghiya ka huwag mo akong bibiguin, huwag mo itong baliwalain dahil lintik! ang Diyos ang nakakaalam kung gaano kahalaga para sa akin ang mga ginagawa kong ito. Ang SAMA mo na lang talaga siguro kapag magawa mong baliwalain ang damdamin ko dahil kahit na sentimental ako malaking bagay na ang pabayaan ko ang dignidad ko, magpakababa at maging sentimental sa harap ng isang tao kahit sa sulat lang. If you care you’ll know how much my letters mean to me=how much I cherish that person, and if you don’t care then it speaks badly of your character, you're just another one of those hypocrites that I so stupidly believed in.

2005-11-28T02:15:00.001-08:00

Sabi nga sa Shinshi Doumei Cross: sa ilalim ng bundok Fuji , sa likod ng kagandahan nito, at sa misteryo’t lamig na bumabalot dito ay nakatago ang basura na binaon ng kagandahang nakalilinlang. Sa pagnanais mong kilalanin ka ni alammonakungsino baka mabigo ka lang sa malalaman mo kapag nangyari ang iyong ninanais.

Dahil hindi ako martyr, hindi ko kayang magparaya at tumahimik na lang sa isang tabi. Kailangan kong gumawa ng paraan bago tuluyang mawala ang pinakaiingat-ingatan ko... hay naku kapag ang tao nga naman nadesperado hahamakin ang lahat tsktsktsk ;p

quizaddict 8D

2005-11-23T01:16:00.000-08:00

Your Eyes Should Be Hazel

Your eyes reflect: Intellect and sensuality

What's hidden behind your eyes: Subtle manipulation

What Color Should Your Eyes Be?

2005-11-11T04:34:00.000-08:00

Forever
In an unending
reality
Sprouting branches to the sky;
Burst of flowers to capture me

Lying awake-
Waiting...
Warm embraces
Scars the flesh
[dejection]

Memoirs of an unforgotten lore
A paradigm of hypocrisy

Twisted roots,
Wilted sky-
The color of mawkish tears

Gallivant spirits
in their unrest-
A eulogy to beauty

:-8

2005-11-10T02:36:00.000-08:00

a story that turned from fluffy to psycho

2005-10-22T01:40:00.000-07:00

I should not have let you go. I should have held you longer in my embrace, for the warmth to linger on and not to disappear too quickly. The sardonic laughter of destiny, you walked away from it all didn’t you? I call out, could you hear my voice? And each day, it became harder to wake up. You were too beautiful, too pretty, even all that gore made you look exquisite. My tragedy is to feel deeply for you.

The sky weeps for me. The wind screams more than I could ever do and it brings with it new found fears of the future without you. My dexterous love, in your power to move, to move me deeper into a surreal addiction to your divinity, I bow down completely— if this is what giving in means.

I cannot move. Paralyzed I stand still, looking at how much blood you’ve given me. I will immerse you in formaldehyde love. I will make you once again the paragon of beauty that you once were. I told you not to leave me…I had found you once again and though your black tresses cling heavily on my shirt sticky with the plasmatic fluid of life and though I cannot let go of the blade that has so carefully butchered you…I will stand still, unmoving until you tell me how much you love me, loved me, loving me till death parted us.

I want to write loads of stuff but they scurry away at the precise moment of conception or upon the idea of actually writing them . . . poof.... why doesn't the law of conservation of matter apply to a writer's ideas?

Mwehhhhhhhhhh I've been absent for two days and I haven't even started with anything yet. It is now proven: Miharu is a liar, a procrastinating sloth and an irresponsible wretch. Try saying that to me and I'll kick you, I'm admitting it already so bugger off >:6

blogentry2

2005-10-15T06:09:00.000-07:00

I’ve just finished typing out something for my dad. Whew that was hard and oh as usual I am suppose to be practicing even more for Algebra since I am in the line-of-seven-in-the-card-I-will-disown-you-now danger zone . . . but its strange, I’m not crying or as my friend Krisel calls it “panicking”. The reason may be that I view this kind of ‘mistake’ [to put it kindly on myself] as something to learn from. I deserved whatever will be printed there. I think my confused state [emotional and spiritual?] and my prolonged procrastination contributed to my downfall but if there’s one thing I learned is that I should have had more trust in God. My first quarter was a combination of hard work, rants and lack of faith in Him and myself. Second quarter is “exhaustion”, old very bad habits and chaos [mixture of bleakness and high packed bliss?]. Maybe I got tired of trying and started to let go in the wrong way. No, it was more of I now know where to place my efforts, when to expect and when to accept the things I could not change. And maybe it is still not too late for me, maybe if I believe in the definition of intelligence I still have a chance. Intelligence- the ability to profit from experiences and from acquired knowledge and learning [or something like that ><].

Clover is beautiful, sweet, poignant…… T.T

“I only want your happiness knowing I can never be yours to share it”

“We dream and we want what could never be ours”

Sue chan, to a true elsewhere….right, to a true elsewhere, to our own fairy lands and our own dramatic escapades…right on to the path of Oblivion that collides with the cherry flavored promenades of Bliss….a true elsewhere….Kazuhiko you lucky bastard T…T

Ooohh lala yaoi goodness between Ran and Gingetsu, Kazuhiko and Gingetsu wahhhhhh Teko chan I am so loving you right now <3 Dati noong wala pang matatawag na visuals sa harap ng aking mga mata, umibig na ako sa istorya ng Clover, at ngayon na nakikita ko na ang bawat galaw…. *pause* mahabaging langit *sabay luhod* ako ay lalong napupukaw. Mga tinamaan kayo ng pararayos na nalaglag Clamp bakit binitin niyo ako ng husto T….T’

“You’ll always be happy when you have someone to hold you”---------a deep sense of having someone, companionship…what’s the word? The word…when you’re not alone--------

Ran could relate to them. Would it be proper to claim that loneliness is universal? A feeling known to everyone? Yes or no, it wouldn’t make a difference and that’s the sad part about it.

blogentry1

2005-10-15T06:05:00.000-07:00

What is beautiful about fiction is you get to puzzle your readers with what you’re writing and still reason out “poetic license man” or just plain “that was fiction dude what did you expect?” you could actually twist the details or bend the truth if not make it more superfluous or intriguing as it really and candidly is.

This “air touch” keyboard is not actually doing wonders for me right now. It is only through this horrible experience with this freaking keyboard do I realize how much I like the actual clicking of the keys against my raging fingers. Who the hell said that this is air touch???? This is torture….

I have to confess something---I am supposed to be studying now. Shit I am so going to hellsabay paindak-indak na tila lumilipad

What is the most radical thing I will tell someone who “doesn’t know” ?

It would be : “did you know I had a crush on you?”

It is sad to think how much I wanted to be that person inside your head or the person you say who is special and who made you smile. Wahhhh my love letter was dedicated to you and sometimes I find myself still in love with you. And I hate to admit that somehow this is becoming more of the truth than fiction. Mahal kita miss na kita sana nakilala kita T…..T and your name rhymed with those last few words wahhhhhhh regret hits me hard with such raw intensity that I sometimes wish it was real pain.

We borrow words and make it sound like ours. Maybe it is ours and maybe our central thoughts do not belong entirely to us but to the universe that helped us conspire them.

A melancholic music greets me with its solemn tune. The melody lingers in my head far too long to be left unheeded and it inspires me to think of something as strangely and beautifully expressing. I wonder what the composer was thinking of when he made this particular piece. I wish I could play as good as you.

Don not try to decipher the things I’ve encoded they’re simply known to me and my confidant only.

written not too long ago....

2005-10-02T06:15:00.000-07:00

A violin’s trill is like a lulling melody, an opportunity to wander off to a land away from the bitter reality you face. There are things meant to be noticed but are better off forgotten and unheeded. As if in an adventure to seek your lost dreams once again, you set out to find them only to discover “something finer still”.

Let me try to recover the part of myself wherein I get to say whatever I want without having to actually mind what I’m about to say. Let us begin….

You have governed my thoughts for the past few weeks and nights. The power of an embrace, of small gestures I imagine as something you did while thinking of me are only few of the materials needed to make a fission bomb. My imagination really is wild, for me to think that you might have had had something left there for me. Just please say it. I long for the words. But after the longing, there is an interval, time passes and sweeps away the entrails of grief, guilt and the utter disgrace of foolishness. Even to feel something like this is stupid.

Undeniable, my feelings for you rage and rave only to tumble over in excess. The faint throbbing could almost deafen me; the pulsation of a million waking dreams is ineffable. There are a thousand ways and twice the impulses for irrational behaviors to actually prevail. Pride and love are both a mismatch from heaven for you lose yourself trying to combine the two in a futile effort to stop yourself from falling.

I’m sleepy. I need to rest my mind from this. A starless sky whispers good night.

Write. In a flash WORDS In a minute thoughts in an hour rambles and within days endless revolution of ideas tainted with the uniqueness of another thinking soul. I am proud to admit that I “wrote” my string of fluffy thoughts today.

I am I am a butterfly in disguise I am I am a mask that takes away the face of its wearer….

2005-09-20T05:33:00.001-07:00

hello :] look look at the handsome guy...I took the liberty of taking a picture with my laber ehe...joke *evil grin* wish ko lang mga dude..erm the cute guy is Kaori Yuki's creation and is not mine only in my fantasies ehehehehe...............

I'm back>> alive and ranting once again

2005-09-16T20:35:00.000-07:00

How could this happen? He had a dream, he reached for it. He had determination, passion, and excellence coursing his veins. He had loneliness, love, emotions brimming, toppling over from his heart. He had what it took to be a great man—he had a soul. He had a love, he made her his wife, they had kids…and now here I am the child of my father, a failure.

She stabbed me with a dagger. Her words pierced me. Yes I see myself as a failure compared to the great man that my father was and still is. A comparison would have been an insult on his part. The she that I am talking about would be my sister and her words would be an old blog entry by her that made me admire and just like my sister, envy our big-papa-bear/ the big man of the house. I hope I could make my father proud someday.

Let my dream last a little longer. My ambitions…let me dream some more until I finally wake up. Libre namang mangarap diba?

It has been a long time since I’ve encoded anything here. I will try to explain myself…I was in a state of “semi-slump” for the past few weeks. A slump meaning my mind was filled with a mixture of thoughts [both dramatic and bitter---> I am a spiteful little bitch after all] that flutters away when I try to express them in words or in writing. Wah why do I have this issue with myself???? I now declare myself an expert at being angsty, sentimental, depressed and sad or at least making people think that I have damned myself for the nth time already. Self-pity is, as always, such an ass.

Our English teacher is leaving for Saudi tomorrow and I could only wish him good luck and God bless on his trip via windmail---> sasabihin ko na lang sa hangin [I'll tell it to the wind in a soft whisper and she’ll take it away to him just like a flying kiss…and that is what I call a windmail *cha-jing*]

WARNING: excessive rant…..could be deleterious to your health….read at your own risk and oh I forgot…if you try to use the things you’ve read here against my race, it only proves how much shittier you are compared to the accumulated feces in every household's septic tank

The Filipinos of today are renegades. They are quitters and they give up on their country. They leave thinking they’ll have a better life there, away from home. I am a Filipino, a living proof of the undeniable damage those pesky colonizers have caused. And thus I am justifying the unpatriotic act of my countrymen by saying that the Spaniards who had abused our ancestors for 300 years and impregnated our women, dirtying our blood line with their manana habbit and their muchacha syndrome is partly to blame for such questionable actions. Same goes for the Americans who exploited our lands and brainwashed us into thinking that their mass produced junks are better than our own ‘made in the Philippines’ products. And damn, the Japanese who violated our women even more and destroyed the dignity of our men, didn’t even let us have a drop of the good qualities they posses. No, I take it back it is not entirely their fault. It’s the government, the filthy scum of politicians continuing to incubate in our cities and our provinces, they are the culprits. The rats that became what is now known as the masa, the horny men and women who think making more babies than they could actually feed will make life easier [someone to take care of you in old age? Think again you idiot, they’ll make twice as much babies as you did before you could even say “child help your poor father”]- they contribute to our downfall, they are the problem. Truth be told the middle class are the ones who take all the beatings while the rich tax evaders waddle in their pots of gold and while the poor loaf around always waiting for someone to help them [they don’t even help themselves those lazy good for nothings]. The middle class together with the honest and useful citizens of the Philippines get battered and neglected, their sweat and blood, all their hard work goes to the corrupt government officials’ pockets. And the audacity of those people there on the streets banging for our president to resign, the ungrateful non-taxpaying bastards. They think what they’re doing is improving our country’s state? They sell their votes, they sell their dignity and in the process they disgrace our ancestors’ good name, the Filipino name.

Filipinos are strong. They are creative, smart and industrious. They have beaming smiles and hopeful faces. They are hospitable and resourceful. Real Filipinos are declining…how else could you explain this debauchery of integrity?

How much less have we made ourselves to be?

How much less and nothing more..

2005-08-23T05:40:00.000-07:00

The 'look of love' was in their eyes. . . and he winked at his illicit lover thinking that no one saw, that no one knew. But someone did see! Those glazed caramel stares, those HiddenAgendaDesireSyndrome a.k.a. HalaAngDamingSheep exchanges between them and not to mention sheeping right in front of our malicious/lascivious eyes! [haha inamin] Erotic images has never been this good. Muwahahaha the evil laugh resounds in my head. It is my alter ego, the yaoi repressed girl who has been deprived of the joys hom. pairings bring. Give me my usual fix of yaoi and I'll shut up dotdotdot rehabilitation or the act properly termed as abstinence is not working for me. The demented child that I am is still demented, hitch my mind no more for it could no longer go on twisted as it is.

I remember writing this fiction, a letter of a guy who is madly in love with this girl. hahahha I had fun writing it but I think after minutes of extensive "I love the very essence, the very being of you" [writing style], the girl inside my head started to resemble a white lady. Harhar next time I'll get an appropriate model *chicka*

I'm so happy and witty and gay ;p ---> "Good girls like yaoi boys" And Ate Beija was right after all!

No Lles you do not want to experience this madness that borders obsession, this illusion that governs my thoughts and this emotion that ruthlessly ruins the peace and quiet of my mind. It is like death slicing your flesh with every realization that you and you cannot be. And at the same time that I advise you not to love "animals" I also caution you not to fall for frog boys who are complete snobs.

2005-08-19T04:38:00.000-07:00

introducing *drum roll* bi chan and her equally cute sister buwehehehehe ang kapal ko hahaha peace ;p

malabo

2005-08-18T05:33:00.000-07:00

I need to talk to you. I really, really need to talk to you. Yes you. Do I need to give more hints for you to get it? *sigh* I should leave you alone. You already have someone to sweep you off your feet, am I right? So don't bother with me.

Uhhh how terrible, it's like being hit by lightning. That vital information was like one big revelation for me. But I still need to talk to you...or maybe not. Hmmm she told me that it took her 2 years before she got over *tooot* so maybe I should wait...nooooooooooo I can't wait! Hide. Walk away.

I'll kick your stupid arse if you freakin hurt her you man biyach---> hahaha am so mean. I knew deep inside that I should have taken anger management when I was still sane -.-" darn.

***
If you want to run away from me then seek life for I am the opposite of life. Despite this, I remain one with life and therefore a complete escape from my grasp would be impossible.

There was silence. She stared blankly at a distance, hurriedly walking until she finally broke into a run. The ground turned cold. And from its bowels it spewed blood. She was covered with thick plasmatic gore, her eyes started to turn crimson, her face pallid, her body clamoring. She did not stop. She kept on running, running after what was unknown to her until her body finally gave up. No more air rushed inside, nothing filled her lungs, only pain remained and nothing else. A man’s footsteps were heard as he let out a low grunt of irritation.

“Why are you running away from me?” death called out, his silver scythe shining from blood newly taken. He smiled a smile that was sad and unforgiving— a smile only death could bring. Swish. Her newly severed head rolled slowly to the filth covered ground. Her blood shot eyes still open and searching.

“Stop looking for it.” Death told her as though he had repeated the same statement too much for his own liking.

“The hope you’ve been looking for is already extirpated. For you are now mine, you no longer live to have such things as hope. You die without hope. You die without anything to hold on to, and thus you are dead. I have claimed you.”

And with her last breath she said

“But I ran.”

And death whispered

“But you ran too late, much too late…”

***
Ang labo ng istorya ko noh? Haha hayaaan niyo na, pagbigayan ang mga batang malabo. Yan ang tema natin ngayong araw na ito ;p pisu!

A particular entry triggered it - forgive me ;p

2005-08-16T04:26:00.000-07:00

To Corbin a reply to your entry:

*Lintik* (refer to Noli Me Tangere as kam says) tama ka diyan ang hirap ngang umasa at hindi ko malaman kung bakit minsan ang hilig-hilig ng ibang taong alisin ang konteng pag-asa na natitira sa pagkatao ng isang nilalang. It’s hard to expect something from someone. It is freakin hard to doubt your feelings, your emotions, and your self worth.

*** [a separate message to another entity/ to you a.k.a. my depression]

Nasapagkatao mo iyan na ibalik ang pagmamahal na binibigay ng mga tao sa iyo, na magkaroon ng matinding takot na maging kabiguan ka sa ibang tao….How could this happen? I feel as though you’re ready to disregard me anytime. You don’t care don’t you? Like what I’ve said before, you have your own problems. How could I not post this here? You have the right to know my feelings. And I have the right to let it all out or else I will explode damn it! I want to be needed as badly as I need someone. Here we go again, this mushiness never ends, this stupidity…never ends unless…no I can’t forget you. Paninindigan ko na nga lang ang sinabi ko noon, I’ll let go, help me to let go, tell me how wrong I am for expecting. Sabihin mo na isa akong malaking hangal para umasa, para sa ganon masagot kita na yun na lang kasi ang natitira sa akin eh, yung pag-asang iyon.

***

Mahirap ngang umasa Corbin *kapateed*, tama ka. Mahirap dahil kung gaano kalaki ang pananalig mo ganoon din kasaklap ang madarama mong sakit kapag nabigo ka.

2005-08-12T17:31:00.000-07:00

This is supposed to be a "fiction" blog if such a thing exists [pa-uso ko lang ata iyon eh -.-;;]. Okay let me try to write something decent for a change. Decent? Would 'baaaadness' be considered as decent? I think so, yes, since the only integrity violated would be of our "subjects" who are flaunting their own set of gay I mean happy ethics right in front of our "innocent" eyes [tama ba daw kasing mag PDA sila, pero sa bagay nakakakilig din hehe]. A continuation to my 'I fell on you, you fell on me' yaoi fic would be nice [yeah right as if you could make that prosaic thing work che!]

His eyes befell them as the realization of the scene before him gradually sank in. What were they doing? Was this some twisted plan to make him jealous? A minute passed slowly with every agonizing tick of the clock. He walked away and pretended not to see, though the red of his face, the impression of anger and hurt, all betrayed him.

---> nah I couldn't get my stuff together with that one. Too much censorship to be practiced if I post it here. I'll just write the thing later.

"Be determined, ambitious and passionate. Stop memorizing. Stop focusing on the grade. Stop thinking that it's too hard and you can't do it. Stop limiting yourself. Work hard, but take time to pause and have fun. Above all, be thankful."
-Paul Leopando

Hard work, excellence, God and Lady Luck: Facing the challenge, surpassing your own whining.....
You've got the whole world under your fingers. You hold your future but despite all of these you still manage to get frustrated about the matter. You know you could readily achieve your dreams but you manage to look on the seemingly bereft part of your ambitions, stop it or you'll self-destruct. Though life does not have something like a backspace key, you could always revise and remake on your next try until you excel and make your work better. If you could get these across your thick head and your low self esteem or your excessive pride then I will congratulate you.

In 'recollections' and in 'actions' you get to proof read the little left of the things you could still change. As long as you're still alive, mobile and breathing, hope will always be there to free you from the box you have created for yourself.

100% pure fluffiness; this is for the person inside my head/ my depression

2005-08-12T01:35:00.000-07:00

I got this from an email:
"A love is easy to feel, so hard to explain; so easy
to get, so hard to let go; so easy to spell, so hard to
define...and yet everyone is still taking the risk.
That's love!"

Mad Season Lyrics
by: Matchbox 20

I feel stupid - but I know it won't last for long
I've been guessing - and I coulda been guessin' wrong
You don't know me now
I kinda thought that you should somehow
Does that whole mad season got ya down?

I feel stupid, but it's something that comes and goes
I've been changin' - I think it's funny how no one knows
We don't talk about the little things that we do without
When that whole mad season comes around

I feel stupid, but I think I been catchin' on
I feel ugly, but I know I still turn you on
You've grown colder now, torn apart, angry, turned around
Will that whole mad season knock you down?

So are you gonna stand there
Are you gonna help me out?
We need to be together now
I need you now
Do you think you can cope?
You figured me out - that I'm lost and I'm hopeless
I'm bleeding and broken, though I've never spoken
I come undone in this mad season

And now I'm cryin'
Isn't that what you want?
I'm tryin' to live my life on my own
But I won't, no,
At times I do believe I am strong
So someone tell me why, why, why
Do I, I, I feel stupid
And I come undone
And I come undone

I need you now
Do you think you can cope?
You figured me out - I'm a child and I'm hopeless
I'm bleeding and broken though I've never spoken
I come undone in this mad season

It is so freakin unfair. It's unfair how I think this way while you don't even give a damn. It is not your fault, it’s me—my "twisted" human nature. You are an image inside my head. Yes, you're not the same person that made me smile. NO, we are not the same as we were before. We were never the same. Shit, if only I could shout and say out loud how much I want to be callous about my feelings for you. Don't flatter yourself though, cause like what I've just said—I love the vision of you before I even started to hate you. I hate you for having your own problems, for not looking my way, for rubbing it all in. Wala akong nagawa. Noong mga panahong iyon wala talaga akong ginawa kahit na kayang-kaya kitang tulungan...karma nga ito. I'm letting this out so I could finally get over you. I have to admit, I will miss you. I will miss you so much that every time I perceive you it will definitely hurt on my part.

I dreamt of Jessica. Don't ask me, I don't know who the hell Jessica is--->ang labo noh? I am too desperate I know. This is what "love" [love that is not true love] does to the mind. It voraciously eats your brain cells and it exhausts your heart until every repressed emotion makes your bosom hurt like hell. This is not due to only one person. This is the result of thinking too much.

"How can people do things without concern for others, and kick them when they're down?"--Kiri

Mga alaala:

Magkahawak ang ating kamay, tumatakbo palabas at tila ang mundo ay nagmistulang isang malaking palaruan— para lang sa ating dalwa, sa ating dalawa. Pero kathang isip ko lang ang mga damdamin na aking nadama. Maligoy ang kasagutan kung ganoon din ang iyong naramdaman, kung mayroon ka ngang naramdaman, kung pareho tayo nang naramdaman. Hindi mo pa alam noon, ngayon pinapaalam ko na sa iyo na isang magandang alaala ang nabuo noong mga oras na iyon. Lagi kong pagkakaingat-ingatan, kasama ng nalulugmo kong pagkatao, ang karanasan na ito. Marami pang nangyaring nakakatuwa, nagkaroon ng mga pagkakataon na sobrang naantig ang aking puso, mga pagkakakataong naganap bago pa tayo naging malamig sa isat-isa.

Katulad nga nang nabasa ko noon, sana nga nakukuha sa letrato ang lahat ng mga ito, sa isang letrato ang lahat ng matamis sa isang alaala. Kung maari lang makiusap sa langit, matagal na sana akong nagmakaawa.

PS I am not sad. I'm just letting this go. Letting go...letting go...sounds so noble. Forgive my audacity in posting such a long and tiresome entry but this is the use of my blogs so live with it :p

2005-08-07T04:21:00.000-07:00

I've just finished reading something about the "ten mistakes writers don't see" and like hell I was pinned down bad. If there was a box beside each item I would have ended up checking almost all of them! I tend to write flat, use unnecessary prefixes, trashy adverbs and yes the let-me-bore-you-to-death sentence structure. I need practice T.T That's the hunting reality of this new found knowledge. It always help when I get to read things like this but now I think the words "amateur to the lowest level" is hitting me hard on the head.

"Old habits die hard" now I know for sure I got to live with that.